Chiang Mai 5-0 Trat


Sell out crowd (Probably, I didn’t check…), and they were all cheering for Chiang Mai… I guess… Who cares? It was Chiang Mai FC vs Trat FC, my first Thai football game in years, and time to awkwardly squint throughout the whole game because I’d forgotten my glasses.

Kick off, and nothing of note really happened. All the ex-pats were chatting away to each other discussing strategy on what they would do since they’d taken Exeter City to the Champions League final on Football Manager. (I don’t mean to brag, but I won the Premier League with Staines Town and nearly got San Marino into Serie A with a minimal budget, so if anyone should pretend to be a bitter armchair manager it should be me!!!)

Then tragedy struck. Well, nearly anyway. Trat had two clear cut chances in the space of 5 minutes that they should have buried, but they didn’t. Chiang Mai were holding on. They were being ripped to pieces in midfield and the defence looked shaky. But ultimately the goalkeeper was doing his best Manuel Neuer impression and destroying any player who dared believe he had the ability to spank the ball past him…

Chiang Mai survived this barrage, and completely against the run of play built up an attack and The Macedonian Beast who was playing upfront coolly finished the move off. one-nil. Don’t know how it happened but I wasn’t going to argue.

Trat were still dominating possession, but now were struggling to mount any offence. Chiang Mai’s defence were gaining confidence. They would have been a lot more confident if Jeff (Chiang Mai’s Ivorian winger. I don’t know his name so I’m gonna call him Jeff…) had buried his one on one with the keeper. Jeff picked up the ball on the left and tried to dink it over the keeper. He failed, but we weren’t angry because his name is Jeff…

So half time; 1-0. Did we deserve it? Fuck no! But I didn’t care, all I wanted was to eat some garlic pork and rice with a fried egg for 35 Baht, which is about 70p in the land of England. The food was soon demolished and Trat were about to be too. Spoiler? Possibly, unless you read the title…

Chiang Mai were far more up for it in the second half. They were splitting the defence apart and you could tell it was only a matter of time before the second came. And it did, courtesy of The Macedonian Beast. Who I’m sure has a name. Hold on let me look on Wikipedia…

The Macedonian Beast…

There we go: Hristijan Kirovski. He’s apparently played for CSKA Moscow so I reckon he’s a good egg. Right, Chiang Mai were all over them now, and gaps were appearing in Trat’s defence more and more as the full backs pushed up to try and get back into the game. They would have done so if their goalie wasn’t having a shocker, and when Chiang Mai’s Thai striker shot inside the area Trat’s goalie finally saved. Great! Except he parried it to none other than The Beast, who spanked it in from 1 yard out. Hat trick!!!

The hat trick soon became four. Matey boy in goal thought he would make amends from his previous errors by collecting a cross. Only he completely missed the cross, leaving The Beast to head into an empty net and sent the fans into raptures…

Then I remembered that I needed to take some photos. You know; 21st century and all that. I went to turn the camera on and my phone froze. Stupid £40 phones! I got it working just in time to catch Chiang Mai on the break again looking for a fifth. Our Macedonian beauty running through a few challenges and then nearly beating the keeper at the near post, cannoning off the post and going wide. I got a few photos, and the contingency of Chiang Mai went through a vast array of emotions. Well worth the 80 Baht ticket!

And that was it! 90 minutes gone and a job well done. Actually The Beast didn’t think so, and after another well structured attack he placed the ball past the keeper into the far corner.

The Beast 5-0 Trat. Poor old Trat, they just weren’t ready for The Macedonian Beast. Having said that it could have been an entirely different outcome had Trat converted at least one of their chances early on in the game. Not that anyone in Chiang Mai was complaining. What a result! Everyone there said that I wasn’t allowed to miss another home game now. As long as The Beast continues to hit five goals in every game I’m more than happy to keep going. No pressure mate…


I thought it would be a good idea to get a picture of the scoreboard before the final whistle went and there was a mad rush. The Beast thought ‘Nah, I’m not having any of that’ and being the excellent bastard that he is, smacked in a fifth, because he can


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