Stop 36: Siquijor, Islanders Paradise Resort

Waking up in a hammock outside what was essentially a two bedroom hut less than five metres away from the beach, I wasn’t used to this lifestyle. I’ve always been the kind of person who struggles to relax as my mind is constantly racing, but I could get used to this kind of lifestyle. I did destroy all my sudokus though…

Me and Doug left Dumaguete to catch the ferry at midday to Siquijor island, and as we got on we sat down and were instantly distracted like bugs to lights as a girl walked past. Doug struck up a conversation with her and we followed her to the back of the ferry and chatted away as you do while you travel.

The girl’s name was Ana, and she said she had a place booked on the other side of the island if we wanted to go to the same area. Me and Doug hadn’t booked anything (this situation is a prime example as to why; it’s so much better meeting someone you click with on the bus/train/ferry and then travelling with them indefinitely rather than having separate places booked and saying “…Erm, OK then, goodbye forever!”) so we decided to get a jeepney (Filipino minibus) and a tricycle to the derelict area Ana was booked into.

We finally got to Sandugan, on the north east side of the island, and unfortunately Ana’s place was fully booked, which turned out to be fucking handy as it was a shithole. Me and Doug went to the beach and found a room at a resort nearby for 850 Pesos (about £13) and it was Ana’s turn to follow us. We went into the beach and Ana was doing her best Bond girl impression in her bikini looking into the distance slowly running her hands through her hair. She passed the test and seemed like an acceptable friend to have, so the three of us agreed to get a big ass hut by the beach the next day and explore the island on motorbikes the next day.

Except I didn’t bloody wake up. We were supposed to leave at nine. At ten o clock Doug came in to the room seeing me sprawled across the bed and said the two of them were leaving for the day, so I moved the stuff into the nice hut and considered that a job well done. I’m not a beach person by any means but I was loving doing less than nothing. I barely left the resort! The only time I left was to try and find an Italian restaurant nearby. I found it but also found a wild cow nearby that kept mooing at me as if to say it was about to trample me to death like they did to Kenny on South Park. I took the hint and went back to the safety of my hammock, smashing another couple of sudokus. Sexual charisma fucking oozing through my veins!!!

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I must have fell asleep in the hammock (I told you, pure sexual charisma…) And was woken up by the Bond girl who was back from their bike trip around the island.

“Alright princess?” Ana said mockingly.

“How are you doing honeybun?” I said on autopilot. causing her to giggle.

Then Bond girl sat down by my hammock telling me about her day. As she does so the fucker randomly starts stretching away doing yoga in her short shorts and expects me to not snap my own neck violently turning away in pure panic trying not to stare!

She then told me she was going to head off to Bohol the next day. I said to her she should stay one more night because me and Doug were but she was adamant she wanted to leave the next day as she had lots of places to tick off her list. So after having a final dinner together and drinking a small bottle of Tanduay Ana went to bed, and me and Doug stayed up until the early hours of the morning drinking by the beach and swapping stories.

The next day was more of the same; McChilling all day being mega lazy, which of course led to casual day drinking, swimming in the sea and relaxing in the hammock, which I had slept in the night before (Doug didn’t mind, as he had the double bed to himself…). I’m not normally a fan of hammocks but this one was so comfortable.

Soon it was time to leave. I could have easily stayed for a week and spent a lot of money but we had our own trip to do and Bohol was calling us, so I left the resort with a tear in my eye and went to the pier in Siquijor’s main town.

So this is where we kinda have to say thank you to Ana, because if it wasn’t for her and her long yoga legs we would have stayed in the port town which wasn’t anything special. Instead we ended up at a really relaxing resort on a beautiful part of the island, and instead of thinking “It was aa-ight!” I felt I could easily come back here one day when I’m in a lot better position financially. That’s pretty much it. I leave you with some resort pictures because…you know… Social media and shit. We have to try and out do each other and I have to make out my life is better than yours online whilst crying behind my computer eating a big tub full of ice cream wondering why someone hasn’t come up to me and said “You’ve done well this year, here’s a suitcase full of money and a pornstar to keep you company…”

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