Fear of change

Over the last year I have been struggling to write my eighth book. Not because of the content, but because I have been wrestling my own demons. These demons have pretty much gone now and I’m happy to say that I’m back to my determined self, but now I am moving forward there is a natural fear of progression, a fear of change…

I’m going travelling again soon, I literally have no idea where I’ll stop. I could stop somewhere in England, I could find work whilst travelling through Europe, or I could just do a James McAvoy on ‘The Last King of Scotland’ and spin the globe, going to the country my finger lands on…

Am I scared? You bet your arse I’m scared! But it’s not a fear that makes me not want to do it; it’s a good kind of scared. You know, scared but excited. Sure it could go wrong, but it could also go perfectly right, and I’d be foolish to not take that chance…

Which brings me to my writing. On one of my former posts about anxiety I listed a few things that I was doing to keep pushing myself even though I didn’t want to. I was moving, albeit far slower than I would have liked, and now I am back to my normal speed, hitting my goals and whacking out editing, writing books, marketing, and blog posts almost on a daily basis.

What I’m doing now is good enough for most people’s standards. six books, four of them published on Amazon… But it’s not good enough for me. I’ll slow down when I’m making decent money through my books. I’ll slow down when the name Lewis J F Clarke becomes common knowledge. I’ll slow down when I tell people my name and they’ll laugh and mockingly say “What, like the author?” This may seem hilariously impossible to you to have these kind of standards, but welcome to the world of expectations inside my head. In a way I’m not surprised I suffered from anxiety…

So the next logical step is to embrace change. I’m not in that position now, and nothings going to change if I sit at home, cross my fingers and say “Please God, let it be me…”. If I want to be in a better position, then I have to move. Not literally like I’m doing with my travelling, but I have to try new things, things I’ve never done before, things that scare the hell out of me. I might fail, but then I have to try something else, and eventually I’ll pick the lock. If I don’t try and pick the lock then the safe will never open…

So I see all these things I have to do in terms of marketing, or trying new things to push my books and myself as an author, which I suppose is like indirect marketing. Do these changes scare me? Of course they do! I’m jumping into the unknown, but if I want to be successful then I have to embrace change. This change could be the difference between me working for pleasure doing something I enjoy, and still running around like an idiot behind a bar in twenty years time just to make ends meet…

4 thoughts on “Fear of change

  1. Lewis, you may be surprised to know that you are an inspiration! That’s not meant to put more anxiety your way, but rather offer encouragement. Many of us find ourselves in your position wrestling those demons. And many have succeeded in moving forward to explore new horizons rather than stay in the safe harbour. Thank you for sharing your inner turmoil – may others benefit from it and realise that they are not alone in having similar feelings. Go, Lewis!

    • Thank you Fiona for your kind words. I think once I start moving I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about, but while I’m in that transitional phase waiting to see what the unknown has in store for me it is quite unsettling. I know that for my books whatever I’m doing right now is not working. That’s not meant as a knock in any way, its just that I’m not making a regular income from them, and quite simply if I want to do that then I need to try something else.

      Thanks again for the support and I hope life is treating you well at the moment as well 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s