Am I Making The Right Decision?

I have three weeks left at my sisters until I have to leave. She has been given notice by her landlord and has to disappear. So whether I’m mentally ready or not I have to get back out there and be completely independent again. Where that will be exactly; all bets are off…

I found a job locally working behind a bar again. This will be great for getting my confidence – and for some strange reason – my memory back (I have no idea why my memory is non existent. I hope it is a side effect of living in a foreign country for a long time because if it is that, then it will improve again over time…) and getting some stability into my life again. I had a trial there and although I knew I didn’t perform to the best of my abilities, they liked me and asked me to come back.

I took the job instantly, happy that the boss saw some potential in me. Unfortunately the downside is that the job is part time. I have zero hours this week and my first shift is next Friday, so I definitely won’t be able to afford to pay rent on a property unless my hours drastically go up.

Regardless of the anxiety I felt about not earning enough I started looking for rooms. I saw a single room in someone’s house being advertised for £200 a month, which I thought was ideal because I would have my own place and it wouldn’t cost me a fortune if work did not pick up instantly. After agreeing to see the property they cancelled on me a few times before finally ringing me to say that the room had been taken. This was a sobering reminder that things aren’t as easy as they were abroad to sort out things like accommodation, and the fact that I have no credit history due to living abroad is going to make this ‘living back in England’ lark a lot harder than I thought it would be.

My first reaction was an obvious one: “Fuck it! I’m going travelling again! Everyone is telling me to get back on the saddle anyway!” But like I said before I’m not in the right mindset to go travelling again. So much so that I’ve had several friends contact me to try and help me out and I’ve just mentally switched off, which is a very scary thought considering that I need to get back on my feet sooner rather than later and I’m not absorbing any help that people are offering me…

So I’m still looking for a place here. If I don’t get a full time job within six months my savings will be gone just like that. All those years working 50-70 hours a week with very few days off a year would be for nothing. I’m choosing to stay here but I keep asking myself every hour if this is really what I want to do. The truth is for the first time in my life I don’t know what I want to do. I normally have that drive to pursue whatever it is I want, but at the moment I don’t have the desire to do anything. Which is the main reason why I’ve decided to stay in England in the hope that in six months I’ll get that desire and hunger back. But is it the right thing to do?

My mind changes every day as to what I feel I should do. Whatever happens, time is running out, so I need to play my hand soon. I wonder where I’ll be in two months time… Here? Portugal? China? Vietnam? Italy? I just hope that wherever I am in two months time I’m much happier than I am now, because even I’m getting sick of the person I’m becoming…

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