I Planned On Doing Two Important Things On Tuesday And Ended Up Doing Fuck All…

I guess this is the point when you come up with bullshit excuses isn’t it…

No honestly! The plan was to stop being a little bitch and get my life back on track again. I’ve had more than enough time to mope, so Tuesday was the the day to sort my life out.

So what were these two things that were going to distract you from having a mental breakdown?

Well the first one was to get my passport sorted so I had something to work towards, and secondly I wanted to get started on my eighth book. My stepdad spent days trying to get my laptop up and running (including installing a new hard drive which set me back £50) so I thought it would be fun to get back into the book writing side of things again.

I can’t wait to hear what bollocks you are going to come up with…no, you know what; think about it. I’m dying to hear the bullshit that’s about to come out of your mouth…ready? Aaand…GO!

The passport form went MIA. I had two, and I couldn’t find them anywhere.

Ha ha ha! THAT’S the best you could come up with? I even gave you time to think about it as well. You fucking loser!

I found them the next day though, so I sorted that out all apart from a counter signature to prove that I am Sir Lewis of Clarke. Other than that I’m ready to go.

And what about the book you slyly forgot to mention?

I couldn’t get Microsoft Word for some reason. I tried and the computer kept sending me in circles and I quit after 30 minutes. I’m not very computer literate at the best of times so I’m not surprised I had yet another hiccup with this laptop.

Now you are going to tell me you sorted it out the next day, started a new book and are not a complete fucking waste of space. Am I right?

Erm…not quite. I turned on my laptop the next day and it wouldn’t start up at all. After 25 minutes a menu popped up that looked like one of those school computers in the 70’s (complete with pressing letters on the keyboard for options) and it wouldn’t let me do anything. I have had nothing but problems with this thing and to be honest would love to get a sledgehammer and smash the thing up. The problems I had was why I stopped writing my seventh book while I was travelling.

Arr…poor you and your shitty excuses as to why you have failed at life…

I am itching to go believe it or not; I have been obsessing over a plot for a couple of days (including going for walks and runs to let my mind wander and vaguely plan scenes and plot twists) I just can’t jot them down. Most likely though I’ll throw this laptop out a second floor window and buy a new one. At least I’m nearly done with the passport form. Once that’s in motion I can leave the country and not feel dependant on my family, which in truth is the worst thing about what’s happened to me over the last few months.

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