I Have No Fucking Idea What To Do Next…

I got back two weeks ago and have had – lets be fair – a great Christmas with my family, but this can’t go on forever…

As most of you already know I had to fly home two months into my trip around the world because of circumstances that were beyond my control, and on the bright side this meant I got to see all my family far sooner than I was expecting, however on the flip side I am still in shock that I am not travelling anymore, and that I’m back, in essence, being a dosser and waiting for things to fall onto my lap and work themselves out.

When people asked about what I was going to do for money during my trip I calmly replied that I would find something as I was travelling, because life tends to work that way; if you do what you love, people and things tend to find you as opposed to biting your lip, doing something you despise and wondering why everything hasn’t worked out for you yet…

Now I’m back in England. I’m in a first world country with no job, no prospects and no motivation since what happened mentally kicked the shit out of me. I’m staying with family which doesn’t help, because I’ve always been independent, and all of a sudden I feel like (whether they feel the same or not) that I’m a burden on them, and I don’t like it…

I have options, nothing anywhere near concrete though. The easiest option would be to continue travelling, but the other way around (the original trip was to travel from Thailand to England by land). However I’m worried I wont land on my feet in terms of finding work. The reason I feel this way is because opportunities dont seem to come easily for people like me; I normally have to fight for months to get half a chance, which I normally take since I have no idea when the next one will come. The only difference being I don’t have the fight in me anymore. I’d like to think my tenacity will come back soon but there are no signs of it coming back in the near future.

Of course, I have my books. I love writing and have the ability to turn that into a full time job, but writing books isn’t the same as working behind a bar for example; its not as if I turn up for my shift and get paid. It takes years, maybe even decades of experience to be good enough to make a sustainable income, so to blindly say I’m going to focus on solely making money off of my books would be financial suicide (unless I get extremely lucky, and I think I’ve covered how lucky I am in terms of making money…)

I dont expect an answer to this rhetorical question I seem to keep asking myself. I guess what I’m hoping is once I’ve shared my thoughts, I’ll be able to get some kind of drive back inside me so I can start again. I do want to go around England and see some of my friends that are scattered around the country. The only bad side to this is I don’t have a car, and it can get pretty costly. After that, who knows? Ideally in my heart I want some kind of life experience that I can transfer onto paper and turn it into a gripping yet clever story.

Maybe thats where life is taking me at the moment. Maybe I should stop being so anxious and enjoy the ride, or maybe these feelings of anxiety can help me conjure up a new character in a future book. Either way, I’d like to think I’ll look back on this post in 6 months time and laugh at my former self, wondering what the fuck I was stressing about…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s