Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, ROUND THE OUTSIDE!!!

Yesterday my friend Martin texted me to ask if I wanted to go for a drink with him later on that night. I didn’t fancy going out probably due to the fact I’m hyper aware of how much money I have been spending recently, but I also hadn’t seen Martin in a long time and I didn’t really have a real reason to say no other than that, so I bit my lip and said I’d be happy to. Thinking that I would catch up with him for an hour or so and then head back home.

Not in Thailand I’m afraid…

We met up at a local bar and I met a guy called David from Arizona (His full name wasn’t ‘David Fromarizona’, don’t worry,..) and a bloke I had met roughly a year ago called Brian, who was very supportive of my writing when I first started so when I saw him again I was glad to see him.

After the pleasantries and awkward introductions a paralytic Thai guy stood up and said he would drive us to the next location. I’d met this guy before so he was friendly enough, and I knew that if he crashed we would be relatively safe in the back of his song tao (red truck) anyway.

We then went to the second bar. it was uneventful other than the fact the music was far too loud for any of us to have a conversation (I’m know I’m getting old when I say things like that!) so we quickly finished our drinks and headed to the next place…a karaoke bar…

This was one of those dodgy karaoke bars where there are girls sitting outside with hardly any clothes on, and most people feel nervous just driving past the place! The five of us (Including the driver) were standing there uncomfortably hoping we weren’t going to get robbed.

We were told that a girl was 200 baht for an hour (£4) and she would sit on your lap as you did your thing on the karaoke. I was still VERY uncomfortable with the whole situation so I didn’t pick a girl. I concluded that if I watched the others and they were having a blast, then I would run back outside, grab a girl and join in on the fun, but in truth I was looking for a reason not to, and when I noticed that none of the girls were looking at us, that was the perfect excuse to say I didn’t fancy one…

We were led into this room which can only be described as what I would imagine a VIP room would look like in a club in London. There was a ‘U’ shaped sofa big enough to fit 10 or 12 people on, and a huge TV on the wall. The only difference being that the TV was attached to a karaoke machine that blared out Thai and Korean songs, and only the most obscure English ones…

We had the room for an hour, and I have to admit; it was one of the most bizarre experiences in my life! The girls were clearly not interested in any of us so I thought to myself that it was a wise idea not to get one. And nobody, not even the girls, wanted to sing. So we spent the first 45 minutes mumbling through a few songs that no one knew, and anxiety was creeping in for the lot of us.

Then this Thai TV hip-hop dance channel randomly came on the screen. Some scantily clad Thai girls were gyrating to a sped up version of ‘Move bitch!’ by Ludacris. I grabbed the microphone and started rapping the song. One of the girls looked at me as if to say she was impressed, and then whacked on another song that no one had heard of…

The difference being that this song had a quick R’n’B beat to it. So for no reason whatsoever I rapped the entire song ‘Without Me’ by Eminem to the beat. I hadn’t heard this song in well over five years, so I was shocked at the fact I remembered over 90% of the words. A quarter of the way through.David joined in and we had a whale of a time. Not the whales from The Faroe Islands and Japan though, that would never be fun…

After this the girls perked up. They were singing songs themselves and rubbing themselves all over the guys. I even convinced one of the girls using my impressive Thai skills to sit on the Thai guy’s lap, who was far too shy to ask himself. We bumped fists and I waved my arms like a bird, squawked and shouted “WINGMAN!!!!”

Then it was on to Loi Kroh, or ‘Hooker road’ as I like to call it. We found a place to play pool and had some fun. Also anyone who was been to Thailand would know that if you ever took Jeremy Kyle’s lie detector, it’s impossible to pass the ‘sexual contact’ question if you go to any Hooker road, because girls will literally grab your junk unprovoked. Which I can only guess is to try and attract a potential client. The evening ended with me having to walk past a load of what can only be described as ‘men in dresses’ asking me if I wanted an oil massage as I walked past them to get to my bicycle so I could cycle home.

Crazy night, but not unusual in this country. I’m not going to lie, I will miss these bizarre nights out when I leave. Hopefully I’ll have a lot more stories to tell when I start travelling again…

One thought on “Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, ROUND THE OUTSIDE!!!

  1. Pingback: Everton Vs. Watford at an Everton fan’s house | sirlewisofclarke

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