First Night Back In Thailand And I Get Sexually Molested By A Monk…..

Two days, two bloody days. That’s how long i have been travelling. It went Stowmarket, Hemel, Heathrow, Mumbai, Bangkok and finally Chiang Mai. I’ve been on planes, wandering aimlessly through Bangkok’s confusing metropolitan system, and i even went on a free local bus to a bus station that took me on my final leg of my journey, but that wasn’t the main talking point…

I got onto the bus to be greeted by a monk. He seemed nice. His English was minimal and i was too tired to concentrate enough to be able to speak Thai, so i put my seat back and drifted in and out of consciousness. Every time i was conscious i noticed the monk would lean onto me and overflow into my seat. I brushed it off and told myself i was back in Thailand now so i should act Thai instead of English and ignore it, rather than nip it in the bud and tell him bluntly and loudly to stop leaning on me. I mean, what harm was he really doing, right?


I woke up at about 3 in the morning, as you do on buses because it’s hard to get to sleep on one, and i felt a strange sensation around my crotch area. It felt numb, like an arm would if you had been lying on it the wrong way while asleep. In my delirious state i was trying to figure out why my nether regions would possibly feel numb, and all of a sudden it dawned on me that the monk (not to be confused with Jason Statham in Mean Machine) had a full on grip of my testicles. I shot up and looked at him, unsure what exactly i was going to do (try explaining punching a monk on a bus in a Buddhist country…) and he quickly retracted his arm, cowered and closed his eyes like a five year old pretending to be asleep. Needless to say i didn’t sleep for the remainder of the trip, and the first opportunity i got i moved to another seat.

About 5 minutes after the incident i was still in shock as to what had actually happened. I was laughing it off by singing to myself “He’s got the whole crotch, in his hands” followed by “He’s got you and me bollock, in his hands” and wondered if he was going to call the next day, or at least send me a text to see if i got home OK. I haven’t received a Facebook friend request from some random Thai man so i’m pretty sure we have no future together… I might end up seeing a review on Trip advisor:

1 out of 5 stars: Crotch was numb and undersized…

Anyway, I’m back in Thailand after my long break from writing, blogging and working. I’m not going to lie i feel a bit nervous, my confidence level has dropped and i’m constantly doubting myself when i write, i’m even doubting myself when i talk to people and that is making me stutter and not let anything flow. I assume it’s a temporary thing and i’ll be fine once i get back into the swing of things again, at least i hope so. For now i’ll watch out for horny, sex starved monks and remember not to act Thai. Otherwise that’s code for ‘Grab yourself a handful’. If only that worked with gorgeous girls….

3 thoughts on “First Night Back In Thailand And I Get Sexually Molested By A Monk…..

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