The First Ever Sethee Court Monthly Ping Pong Tournament

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The Contestants

1

Name: Dave (pictured)

Nickname: The Warrior

Representing: Canada

Strengths: look at the geezer! He’s clearly in it to win it!

Weaknesses: Those shoes don’t exactly ooze sex appeal…

2

Name: Lewis

Nickname: The King

Representing: England…More specifically, Watford

Strengths: I’m the King, so if anyone dares to try and beat me i can get them executed just like the old English kings 400 years ago…

Weaknesses: No killer instinct, may be a problem towards the end of the game

3

Name: Steve

Nickname: The Landlord

Representing: North Korea, defected from USA

Strengths: Has the ability to kick us out of our apartment if we beat him, and fancy spin serves

Weaknesses: His shot choices; When he goes for power, it’s normally too long (that’s what she said)

4

Name: Patricia

Nickname: The Wildcard

Representing: France

Strengths: Unpredictable, sometimes she’s amazing, sometimes she sucks (that’s what she said)

Weaknesses: See above

5

Name: Jason

Nickname: The one that didn’t show up

Representing: USA

Strengths: Has Chinese origin, so by law of racism he should be very good

Weaknesses: Impossible to win a tournament if you don’t show up

Rules

It was going to be a knockout format with best of 3 sets, first to 11 wins the set (a set must be won by two clear points) Until Patricia entered at the last minute, making it 5 people. So instead we had a simple round robin format, with the winner getting 2 points and point difference separating anyone who has the same number of points. This also meant that there would be only one set each. I thought that this would be a good idea since there would be more of a likelihood of having upsets and in turn making the final table more interesting.

Event

Jason was scheduled to be back later, so we decided that he could play his games when he came back, only he never did until it got dark (and by then everyone had stopped/lost interest). Patricia went to get some lunch so me, Steve and Dave played each other first. Dave, the unofficial 1st seed, stepped up against me, the 2nd seed, for the first match. And what a way to open the tournament. People were looking in marvelling at Dave’s attire, and i was incredibly focused ready to try and defy the odds.

And defy them i did; I annihilated him 11-1. I had never beaten Dave before so this was clearly the biggest upset of all time! Granted it was the first ever match so that didn’t hold much value, but it will still stand out in 10 years time when this tournament is still going strong.

Straight after that i faced Steve and got the same result; It was unbelievable! Everything i was hitting was landing perfectly and i was beating people who were either better than me or at worst the same standard as me. Steve then faced Dave and won after an intense battle.

Then Patricia came back, full of Pad Thai and ready to kill anyone who made a joke about her shower not working properly (Steve fixed it eventually, but the damage had already been done…) She won her last game against Steve but was soundly beaten by Me and Dave. Of course because of Jason’s no show (i’m making out that he blanked us, but he was actually on a trek all day) we all got a walkover.

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Steve and Patricia playing one of the most anticipated ties of the year

Results

ENG Lewis ‘The King’ 11 – 1 Dave ‘The Warrior’ CAN

CAN Dave ‘The Warrior’ 12 – 10 Steve ‘The Landlord’ PRK

PRK Steve ‘The Landlord’ 1 – 11 Lewis ‘The King’ ENG

FRA Patricia ‘The Wildcard’ 0 – 11 Lewis ‘The King’ ENG

FRA Patricia ‘The Wildcard’ 2 – 11 Dave ‘The Warrior’ CAN

FRA Patricia ‘The Wildcard’ 12 – 10 Steve ‘The Landlord’ PRK

FRA Patricia ‘The Wildcard’  w/o Jason ‘The One That Didn’t Show Up’ USA

 CAN Dave ‘The Warrior’  w/o Jason ‘The One That Didn’t Show Up’ USA

PRK Steve ‘The Landlord’  w/o Jason ‘The One That Didn’t Show Up’ USA

   ENG Lewis ‘The King’  w/o Jason ‘The One That Didn’t Show Up’ USA

Final Table

Name                                    PD     PTS

Lewis (ENG)                        +31        8

Dave (CAN)                         -3          4

Steve (PRK)                          -6         4

Patricia (FRA)                      -18        4

Jason (USA)                         n/a        0

So what did you win?

The coveted ‘Village Bike’. Luckily for me it is not a herpes ridden woman; it is an actual bike, my old bike actually, that is available for everyone to ride because i can’t be bothered to sell it. So now it will be the trophy for anyone who wins the Sethee Court Ping Pong Tournament! Hopefully this will take off and become a proper thing. We are already generating interest from locals who have been peering in recently while we practice. So I may lose my title soon….

pingpong1   One more picture of the legendary Dave

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Touched by a monk; the aftermath

If you saw my blog post a couple of weeks ago you would know that some poor sex starved monk got himself a handful of Lewisness, however two weeks on i’m still not sure how to react…

Don’t worry, i’m not emotionally scarred or anything. In fact i feel like I’ve done my bit for the Buddhist faith! But i have had a lot of people come up to me and talk about ‘the incident’ to see how i truly feel about it. A few people have said why don’t you report the monk’s behaviour, while others have made (admittedly quite hilarious) jokes about it. But there was one person i spoke to who made a valid point;

I went out with a friend a couple of days ago and the subject came up about the ‘cupping and then pretending to sleep’ fiasco. And he said to me “Are you OK?” “I’m fine, don’t worry.” I responded dismissively. “Do you think you can deal with this better because you are a man?” He asked, or something along those lines. To be honest i can’t remember exactly what he said, but it was thought provoking.

When it happened i wasn’t upset in any way, i simply found it bizarre and then proceeded to tell everyone about it. Most people laughed either with or at me. But for a woman it quite rightly is a different story. Granted he didn’t do anything serious to me, he just got a handful which left me in disbelief rather than trauma, whereas for a woman it would be a hugely traumatic experience, something that would be immediately reported to the police and hopefully the person accused would be held accountable for their actions.

Sometimes i wonder if it is because i have been in Thailand for so long, where i have been exposed to much more than the average bear in terms of sex and what is acceptable. Maybe this has softened my view on the matter. I did shoot up out of my seat when i realised what was going on and i wonder if the old me would have hit him out of shock and anger, whereas the ‘Thai’ me seemed to lean towards the ‘mai pen rai’ mentality. It could have been this, or it could have been the fact that as a straight man having a male monk touch you like that is something that you can never really prepare for so the only possible way you can deal with it is through humour.

If i have a point, it is that i suppose i am lucky that i hasn’t affected me mentally (on the plus side it has given me a couple of weeks worth of blog material while i get the first few thousand words of my 6th book down. Oh yeah, i’m on my 6th book now, i’ll bore you about that next week) but even though i’m not too bothered, should i be? It’s not OK to accept this is something that is a part of life. What if it was a woman? And a shy one at that? They may not be as blaze as me about it. Maybe my reaction to what had happened isn’t the right one; maybe i’m enabling this kind of thing to continue. Am i doing the wrong thing by trying to find the bright side of this? I suppose there is no ‘bright side’ and if you look long enough, you will always find the negatives in things…..

So Frustrating!

Last week i took a flight from England to India. Normally when i take a flight i tend to meet people along the way and you end up becoming friends (that’s the beauty of travelling) and this time was no exception.

I sat down at the gate waiting to board my flight and this girl sat next to me. We instantly started chatting and getting to know each other. So much so that we were still sitting down having a good old chinwag whilst everyone else was boarding the flight.

Then the awkward ‘Are you on facebook?’ question came up. She asked me and i said yes. I typed in my name into her phone but for some reason I didn’t come up, just a whole bunch of other people with my name with seemingly no other way to find me.

Then i had a cracking idea; I added her to my facebook page, explaining to her that when i can charge my phone again (which was why i couldn’t ‘add’ her instead. Also for some reason my phone doesn’t connect to open wifi hotspots) i could see that she ‘liked’ my page and i could find her that way. I don’t know why i didn’t ask for her full name, I guess it was because i assumed i would be able to contact her on the other side so there was no need to. Also if you type in someone’s email you can find them, but i had a momentary lapse in concentration and forgot about this at the time.

We lost each other on the plane since she was sitting nowhere near me, and once we landed i couldn’t find her before she boarded her connecting flight (she was off to Goa and i was going to Bangkok) however i wasn’t too worried because i simply thought i’d find her on the internet a few days later and we would keep in touch that way.

Once i got back home i checked my page. For some reason it said that someone had ‘liked my page’ but it didn’t say who. This had never happened before. This also posed a dilemma for me; as i didn’t know her full name. I only knew her first name (which could be spelt at least 4 different ways) and where she was from. So in essence i had zero chance of finding her,

Of course, you may be wondering why i care, since i probably won’t ever meet this girl ever again right?

Normally yes, But she was telling me that she was planning to come to Thailand after she had finished in India and i said that if she came up to Chiang Mai and i was still here that i would show her around. I’m the kind of person who keeps their word, and hate the idea that someone may think i’m full of shit, because i consider myself a very honest person. And how it worked out didn’t exactly leave me in a positive light. (Are you on Facebook?….Oh, dagg nabbit! i can’t find me on your phone…..How about you add me on yours?….blah blah…bullshit excuse, but like my page and i’ll find you….then you never hear from me again) I wouldn’t want her to have that kind of memory of me. Everyone who has been travelling knows how fun it is to meet random people and just have fun together, and i wouldn’t want her trip to have been slightly soured by meeting someone who pretended to want to be friends with her then flat out ignore her, which ironically was one of the subjects we were talking about…

First Night Back In Thailand And I Get Sexually Molested By A Monk…..

Two days, two bloody days. That’s how long i have been travelling. It went Stowmarket, Hemel, Heathrow, Mumbai, Bangkok and finally Chiang Mai. I’ve been on planes, wandering aimlessly through Bangkok’s confusing metropolitan system, and i even went on a free local bus to a bus station that took me on my final leg of my journey, but that wasn’t the main talking point…

I got onto the bus to be greeted by a monk. He seemed nice. His English was minimal and i was too tired to concentrate enough to be able to speak Thai, so i put my seat back and drifted in and out of consciousness. Every time i was conscious i noticed the monk would lean onto me and overflow into my seat. I brushed it off and told myself i was back in Thailand now so i should act Thai instead of English and ignore it, rather than nip it in the bud and tell him bluntly and loudly to stop leaning on me. I mean, what harm was he really doing, right?

Wrong…

I woke up at about 3 in the morning, as you do on buses because it’s hard to get to sleep on one, and i felt a strange sensation around my crotch area. It felt numb, like an arm would if you had been lying on it the wrong way while asleep. In my delirious state i was trying to figure out why my nether regions would possibly feel numb, and all of a sudden it dawned on me that the monk (not to be confused with Jason Statham in Mean Machine) had a full on grip of my testicles. I shot up and looked at him, unsure what exactly i was going to do (try explaining punching a monk on a bus in a Buddhist country…) and he quickly retracted his arm, cowered and closed his eyes like a five year old pretending to be asleep. Needless to say i didn’t sleep for the remainder of the trip, and the first opportunity i got i moved to another seat.

About 5 minutes after the incident i was still in shock as to what had actually happened. I was laughing it off by singing to myself “He’s got the whole crotch, in his hands” followed by “He’s got you and me bollock, in his hands” and wondered if he was going to call the next day, or at least send me a text to see if i got home OK. I haven’t received a Facebook friend request from some random Thai man so i’m pretty sure we have no future together… I might end up seeing a review on Trip advisor:

1 out of 5 stars: Crotch was numb and undersized…

Anyway, I’m back in Thailand after my long break from writing, blogging and working. I’m not going to lie i feel a bit nervous, my confidence level has dropped and i’m constantly doubting myself when i write, i’m even doubting myself when i talk to people and that is making me stutter and not let anything flow. I assume it’s a temporary thing and i’ll be fine once i get back into the swing of things again, at least i hope so. For now i’ll watch out for horny, sex starved monks and remember not to act Thai. Otherwise that’s code for ‘Grab yourself a handful’. If only that worked with gorgeous girls….