My resume is getting bigger (that’s what she said)

One of the companies i wrote for has just launched their website, feel free to have a look.

I wrote all the course descriptions

Also, if you like my writing style, remember that my first book is still ABSOLUTELY FREE until January. Click on the picture if it tickles your fancy.

Book cover the price of fame


Just another night out in Thailand…

Liverpool Lee told me about this bar called Hot Shots. He said put on your finest clobber and figuratively paint the town red. So instead of the normal ‘shorts and t-shirt’ combo that i usually wear i put on some jeans and a nice shirt.

We met at a bar near where i live. It was me, Liverpool Lee and Dangerous Douglan (Double D). We polished off half a bottle of whisky before disappearing and heading towards Hot Shots.

We got there and it looked derelict. There are no staff, no lights on, nothing. It was obviously closed. So we went to the hotel that it was attached to and i asked the receptionist in Thai if it opened a bit later.

“It’s open now! It closes at one.” Was her reply.

I asked her 3 times just to be sure but she was adamant. Even smiling as she opened the door for us to walk in to Hot Shots.

“But it’s clearly not open.” I persisted in broken Thai. “There’s no light’s on, no staff, it’s just an abandoned building!”

“Yes, open!” She insisted. In the end we gave up and went back to the road we were on before. We eventually found a bar that was only Thai (well, only Burmese. But nobody spoke a word of English). It was one of those outside bars with 3 girls standing behind the bar looking bored and most people drive by thinking that they would like to go there one day but never do. Anyway, we got chatting to these Burmese girls who seemed to be unaware that when they put their legs up on the stalls wearing tiny dresses we could see right up into their nether regions. Not that i was complaining! Double D then called it a night before me and Liverpool Lee finished off the whisky and he called it a night too.

This is where the story gets interesting……. 

Full of confidence after downing half a bottle of whisky, i stagger over to the next bar full of intimidating looking young Thais. I ordered a drink and said to them in Thai, “Sorry my Thai isn’t great, but can i sit here and practice it with you?”

“Sure!” The guy next to me said. None of them spoke a word of English. Half of them looked confused when i asked if they knew what ‘hello’ was.

Anyway, after chatting away to 3 different Thai people for 10 minutes, they all start to go home. I hand over my empty glass and say my goodbyes before turning to my bicycle to go home. “Lewis!” I hear just as i’m about to get on my bike.

It was one of the guys i had befriended. He was crouching under a shutter that had been nearly completely pulled down. I assume so the police didn’t know they were still ‘open’. I hadn’t even noticed this part of the bar. I thought it was just a tiny bar on the street. So i went in and spoke to more friendly Thais who were impressed i could hold a conversation (albeit a broken one). I think it was because i was drunk that the words naturally spewed out. So me and 9 other people were sitting in this dodgy looking karaoke bar drinking Sangsom (a Thai rum that tastes like sweet whisky) and coke for an hour. Then everybody stood up and quickly left without warning. I wonder if they said something i didn’t catch but the next thing i knew i was out on the street with my bicycle. I said goodbye and went home, thinking i had had a good night.

That’s a lie; on the way back i passed another group of Thai’s drinking together (bear in mind that by now it is 4 in the morning!) Fueled by the confidence of befriending at least 25 Thai’s in the space of 3 hours, i stopped my bike and walked over to the table. Asking if i could have a drink and that i wanted to practice my Thai.

“No problem!” Was the reply from all of them. So i bought my drink and talked to them for another 20 minutes. Then as they slowly started to disappear there was just me and this Thai guy who had taken a liking to me. As i went to get on my bike he asked if i liked Thai girls.

“Yeah! They are gorgeous!” Was my naive reply.

“I can take you to some hot Thai girls.” He said smiling.

I said no a few times, but he was pretty persuasive because the next thing i knew i was on the back of his bike going to an area of Chiang Mai that most westerners would never know existed. They were the kind of shops that you walk past every day and never suspect a thing, like those Thai outdoor convenience shops. We went into a couple of them and my new friend told this scary looking Thai guy that i was interested in some girls. There were 5 girls who were staring at their phones sitting in the back of the shop. He said to me they were 1200 baht each. I don’t mean to be rude, but by now i could barely focus properly, and even I knew that these girls looked horrible, so God knows what they looked like when i would have sobered up! I politely declined, reiterating that i didn’t want a girl in the first place. I was quickly ushered out. The guy looked pissed up that i had wasted his time. Then the new friend took me back to my bicycle so i could go home.

I got home and checked the time; 5:30! I messaged my friends who i was supposed to have breakfast with and said that i was never going to make it. Then i woke up at 12:30. I immediately remembered i was supposed to have lunch with another friend of mine at one so i had to message her as well and cancel. And now i’m sitting in my room, still drunk, wondering what is going to happen next time.

I will say one thing though; Thailand opens up massively when you can speak the language. Places that look dangerous and unwelcoming to the average foreigner are quality places to go once they realise that you not some loud, obnoxious sex-pat who doesn’t respect the culture.

Aaand Book number 5 is done!


Oh yeah! I wrote 5500 words in the last two days but it’s done! I spent all day on it on Monday trying to finish it. 7 hours later i realised i still needed a few more hours on it, so i had a kip and woke up ready to destroy this book…And destroy i did!

Winner! How many words is this one?

Just over 54000. Normally when i do my second and third drafts i add to the story (to make it flow better) as well as changing stupid grammatical mistakes i have made, so don’t be surprised if this one surpasses 60 thousand!

Wow, you truly don’t have a life do you?

Well, i do teach as well, the other day i was teaching another winner, For some reason whilst giving a long speech (in one of the exams these students have to take, they have to talk uninterrupted about a specific subject for about 2 minutes) he kept saying ‘come and go’. So naturally i burst out in a legendary rendition of ‘Karma chameleon’, complete with the clicking of the fingers and closing my eyes as if i was performing it live….I suppose i WAS performing it live, except it was to an unimpressed student who clearly didn’t get the reference. Why am i still employed? Answers on a postcard…

Yeah, Why DO they continue to employ you? I saw the thing you wrote on the board in your last blog…

All jokes aside, I do care about my job. And without trying to blow my own trumpet (ironically doing exactly that!) i AM very good at it. The students like me and i have a high pass rate. I just try to have fun with it because i hate being professional all the time, it’s simply not me…

Lies, all lies… Have you been up to anything else?

Actually yes, my school had a thanksgiving dinner. It was really nice of them to make it for us. They’ve nearly got the gist of what the holiday means; a few years ago they insisted that it was a Christian holiday and it was our way of saying thanks to Jesus (Yep, you read that right…) Now they’ve slowly phased out the Jesus part, but they had a big board displaying William Shakespeare quotes promoting Thanksgiving. So they’re nearly there, give them a few more years, and at least they are making an effort, some places won’t acknowledge another culture at all! So at the end just as i was leaving i shook the big boss’s hand and thanked him for his hospitality, saying i really appreciated it.

What was the food like?

It was good, but I nearly missed it completely! Me and another teacher were sitting in one of the classes talking about the finer things in life when i happened to mention that the buffet may have already started. He said we should look just in case and we were lucky we did! They had already annihilated one turkey and were half way through the other one. The evening ended with this random girl (i think she was about 14, but in Thailand it’s difficult to tell. A lot of my students are in their mid-20s and they barely look 18!) singing some karaoke. And she was amazing! She hit the notes effortlessly. I wouldn’t be surprised if i see her on TV in Thailand in a few years time.

Also last Thursday was the last night my family were here, so we went to the bar, along with Dave The Canadian (see the milk and cookie night blog post) We had a few strong beverages and staggered home at 3:30 in the morning! And finally, we had the puppies over for a few days. There are only two left now as all the others have been re-homed. Damon (The big mofo) came over for a few days, to be honest i don’t know why, but i was happy to see him, and straight after that Runt came over for 2 days. She needed her injections because she had been so ill as a puppy she hadn’t had a chance to have her injections yet, Once she had been stabbed multiple times by a man who had a piece of paper to say he was a veterinarian, she came back to have the s*** kicked out of her by her mum and dad. Yeah, they are really harsh to her sometimes, but it’s a part of the natural way that dogs toughen their offspring up.

DONE! I’ll see you sometime next week.