A few months ago one of my students kept saying ‘yes’ to everything. He was taking an advanced English class yet clearly had no clue what i was saying and simply said yes all the time, resulting in hilarious situations and eventually blog posts. Luckily for me i only had to endure 20 hours of this torture. I put up with it because i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once it was over i was massively relieved. I didn’t have anything else to teach him and i was getting extremely frustrated with him.
Then a few weeks later i got a phone call saying that Fucktard wanted to come back (Call it ‘return of the fucktard’ if you will…) and almost instantaneously i also got assigned another new student. A kid (I say kid, he’s 22) who had a low level of English and needed a long term teacher to get him to a high standard, with no specified time limit. This was a change of pace for me because anyone who has taught English in Thailand knows it goes something like this: “I know nothing. I need to know everything. Teach me everything in 20 hours!”
I soon found out that it wasn’t a ‘low level of English’ issue; it was a ‘he’s a fucking idiot’ issue. Hence ‘Fucktard Version 2.0’ was born. But who claims the title as The Ultimate Fucktard?
* Scores are out of a possible 10
Fucktard (The Original Fucktard):
English potential: 4) I think there is a chance this kid may get there, albeit a small chance. There is zero chance of him getting to the level that he wants, but he may get a level where he can sneak a pass. All he has to do is copy anyway, thats how most people pass here. I’ve taught accountants who can’t figure out BASIC mathematics, and i’m not exaggerating.
Likelihood of not copying: 1) Sorry Fucktard; i figured you out a long time ago. It didn’t help that you showed me your dissertation and you hadn’t even bothered to change the fonts and sizes from the websites that you had stolen them from.
Likability: 8) Although he is an idiot, you can’t ignore the fact that he is a genuinely nice guy. And that has stopped me getting annoyed with him on a number of occasions.
Improvement: 3) Normally i correct him when he says something only for him to say it exactly how he said it before. I corrected him well over 20 times on the word ‘sentences’ but he still says ‘sentence’ without the ‘is’ on the end
Creativity: 1) HA! yeah, good luck with that…..
Unlikelihood of not listening to a fucking word I’ve just said: 1) Nearly every lesson i explain something in great detail with examples and he then either asks what it means or asks to give him an example. I might as well be talking to a tree….
Politeness: 9) Fucktard scores highly here. You can’t fault his politeness. Like i said, he’s a nice kid. He just need to visit the Wizard of Australia and ask for a brain….
Willingness to learn: 7) He’s on time (most of the time) and at least seems to try.
Fucktard Version 2.0:
English potential: 2) I’m being generous here. more often than not i give up trying to help him pronounce the word ‘the’.
Likelihood of not copying 9) He doesn’t copy anything. He is much more likely to stare at his book for 20 minutes and then say “No” in the same accent that Consuela from Family Guy says it.
Likability 6) He annoys me, there’s no doubt about it. However I respect the fact that he doesn’t copy like the majority of students I’ve had. He does try and work it out. Unfortunately for him i have more faith in the Husky puppies learning English than him….
Improvement 1) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 1 lesson i spoke to him and explained what to do in fluent Italian for 20 minutes to see if he noticed, he didn’t….
Creativity 4) Logic is not one of this guy’s strong points. However there is a small amount of creativity that he possesses. Sometimes he does get a few of the questions right (I do see him fiddling around with his phone a lot. So i wonder whether he finds the answers online and jots them down)
Unlikelihood of not listening to a fucking word I’ve just said 1) NOT….AN…..F….N….CHANCE!!!! More often than not i am waving at him theatrically and saying loudly yet slowly, “YOU…SPEAK. YOU SAY…THIS. YOU YES SAY, YOU NO WRITE. WRITE, NOOOOO. SAY, YES!!!!” Complete with hand gestures that i learned during my time in Italy.
Politeness 7) He doesn’t seem rude in any way. One thing about most Asian people is that they are incredibly polite. Whereas we would get frustrated and angry quite quickly, they tend to take a deep breath and try again. And they ALWAYS respect authority.
Willingness to learn 1) twice in the 15 lessons we have had he hasn’t shown up at all. Most of the time he is 10 to 15 minutes late. He is a soapy massage guy in a – lets say – males only massage parlour. So the likely outcome is that he has found a sugar daddy to pay for his English lessons where he would prefer to work all night and produce thousand island dressing from the penises of rich old men who are either gay or ‘a little bi-curious’ (or have found a new hobby to do while the wife and kids are away…)
So there you have it; After a long battle, Fucktard Version 2.0 finally managed to wrestle ‘The World Heavyweight Fucktard Championship’ from The Original Fucktard’s grasp. You were a great champion Original Fucktard, but no one can win forever. Eventually a changing of the guard must take place. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours….