What does ‘Geek’ mean in Thai?

I was out with one of my students having dinner with her (I know, I abuse my power so much!) And we got on to the subject of talking about other students. At the moment I have a lot of private students who all seem to know each other. I taught one of them just over a year ago and she recommended me to all her friends (cue, grabbing my own trumpet and blowing it profusely…) I mentioned to one of these students as we were eating a steak that my newest student was one of her friends. As they are all from the same group.

“Not my friend,” She replied, “He’s only friends with Hotthaigirlnumber539.”

“Oh.” I answered, thinking that there had been some history between the two and now they don’t speak as a result. “Did he upset you or something?”

“No…..Do you know what a geek is?” She quizzed me shyly.

A knowing smile smiling to spread across my face. “He was your geek?”

“No, he was Hotthaigirlnumber539’s geek.” She said.

“What a legend!” I thought to myself.

So…….What is a geek?

The literal translation is ‘Fuck buddy’. Thai’s tend to have at least one ‘geek’ that their boy/girlfriend doesn’t know about yet they talk about them openly to everyone else. It’s almost like it is culturally acceptable over here. If you ever get drunk with a Thai girl and start talking about geeks they’ll go a bit red at first, but then soon open up about it. I don’t think I could live like that; everyone knowing that my girlfriend is having sex with someone else yet I was completely oblivious as to what was going on. That would be humiliating. But each to their own I suppose…

Any teaching escapades?

No real lessons as such. I’m pretty sure I made one of my students orgasm in class though.

1: I hope it was a female. And 2: You are clearly abusing your power. Do you care to elaborate before I ring the police?

Sure. It was Tribeslady Barely Legal. And don’t worry, I didn’t do anything explicit. In Saturday’s class I was teaching them how to give a presentation and I was showing them how to expand off of cue cards. I then gave a brief presentation off my top of my head about hotel management. It wasn’t a complete presentation; it was only a minute long just to show how to introduce yourself and how to use cue cards effectively. At the end of my speech she let out a loud moan in the class that sounded like it should have been saved for the bedroom (or her geek’s bedroom, or in the back of a Nissan Micra parked outside Tesco’s at 2 in the morning because said geek’s girlfriend came back from her business seminar in Bangkok a day early and now they have nowhere to go…..) and I thought to myself, “Did you just orgasm over my presentation?” So for any teenage boys, or men for that matter, reading this wondering whether you can bring a girl to orgasm purely by the power of intellect, apparently you can……

SUPER WIN 100%!!!!!

It WAS a super win 100%! However what isn’t a super win 100% is I haven’t published my book yet. It’s very close. Editing takes time so I must anxiously wait until it’s done. I’m hoping that it will be out by next week though.

And how’s your latest book going?

Well…..ish…..not really……it’s terrible.

I’m kidding….ish….not really. I’m over 30,000 words in, but now I just want to finish it. Problem is i’m nowhere near the finishing line. My concern is that if i’m struggling to get motivated to write it, then why would anyone be motivated to read it? How can I expect to keep my audience figuratively on the edge of their seat if i’m not anxious to finish the story myself? Normally once I start it’s fine, it’s just difficult to start.

So is that it?

Yes. I haven’t got anything special for you. I can lie to you if you want?



Bam Bam from The Flintstones was the original Pokemon….

TBK book cover 1

Cool book cover!

Cheers. My incredibly talented sister designed it in a matter of minutes. (Click here to see her other work.) 

Does this mean that this one is out now?

Not yet. I did my 2nd and 3rd drafts 2 weeks ago and last week respectively, including adding another 3000 words and changing the ending slightly so it makes more sense. Now all i have to do is wait for the book to be edited by someone other than myself and it’s ready to go!

Nice, nice, baby!

I know. I don’t think publishing a book is something i’ll ever get used to. I mean, it’s a matter of fact when i’m doing it by myself, but when i hear myself speak to people about it, it feels surreal. Sometimes i feel like i’m having an out of body experience when i tell people i’m writing my 5th book. Like i’m looking at myself as if to say “Are you really saying these words?”

Does it get easier the more you do it?

Yes, it’s like anything. For example it took me over a month to try and understand all the legal jargon. More often than not started to wonder whether it was worth all the hassle and there were more than a few times when i was so overwhelmed i felt like not bothering to put it out there because “It’s not as if anyone is gonna find it anyway…” However this time i did it all in about 5 minutes. AND i’d just woken up from a nap. So in my groggy state i was casually browsing through it. Going: “Yep…OK…No…Enable…etc… Wow, i’m done!”

So what’s the book about?

It’s the diary of a killer. Someone who killed when they were very young, went to prison and got given a new identity. I thought it would be interesting to write a story about someone who was living a lie. Think about it. Imagine having a group of friends, but knowing that those people would literally want to kill you if they found out who you really were. That kind of stress would erode your mental state and eventually make you go insane, no matter who you were.

So the protagonist becomes insane at the end?

That’s for me to know and you to spend pocket change to find out! Here’s the blurb of the book if you are still interested.

Nah, i want to hear some teaching stories.

Last week i came in to work to teach a private class. I was teaching this 16 year old girl who hadn’t really done or said anything to make me remember her. Except this day she came in dressed like a Native American. I’m not going to lie, she pulled it off perfectly and she looked really sexy, and i mean REALLY SEXY. (I feel terrible, but she did admittedly look really hot! And in case some of you are saying, “Well she’s 16, so what’s the problem?” My ‘baby cousin’ is 3 years older than her. A girl who i remember holding in my arms when she was a couple of weeks old!) Anyway, half way through the lesson, while we were going through a reading test, ‘Tribeslady Barely Legal’ for some reason thought i said harven instead of haven. From then onwards she kept asking what a harven was and what the difference was between a haven and a harven. At one point i said to her “I didn’t say harven, you said harven, i said haven. The only time i ever said said harven was in this sentence explaining to you that i didn’t say harven.” To which she simply replied, “So it’s harven yeah?”

Yes Tribeslady Barely Legal, it’s harven……

How’s MASAKO!?

MASAKO! is fine. Last week we had a game of eye spy. After explaining the rules, along with examples, the first attempt i did was saying “I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A” (It was the air conditioner)

“EYE” She replied, although she could have been repeating the I from I spy. So i said, “Yes, I spy something beginning with A”

“AKATA!” She shouted enthusiastically. I didn’t realise we were also playing this game in Japanese…

“No, it has to be English i’m afraid.” I know, i’m such a jobsworth…

“A teacher.” She said, pointing and giggling at me. I must admit she got me…

After about a minute she gave up and i won. Not just in this game, but in life. And therefore i levelled up to ‘above average’. Not bad for someone in their late twenties….

Late twenties? Don’t worry, you’ve still got your hair! Oh, wait… Never mind….. Anything else for me?

Yes, on Thursday night i went out drinking with my boss. We had one too many bevuto’s of the alcoholic variety and at 1 o clock he gracefully retired. I stayed at the bar with a Thai guy named Joey (Cue Friends references…) that we had befriended earlier and he clocked that on the other table that a group of Thai students had left well over half a bottle of Sangsom (Thai rum. It’s technically rum but it tastes like sweet whisky) on their table when they went home. So he picked it up and said, “Let’s carry on drinking.” And we left the bar to buy some more coke (By now the bar was closed) So i went to 7/11 and bought a bottle of coke. Then i asked him where we were going and he coolly answered, “Back to the bar.” I was confused but i followed him. Only to be greeted by all the bar staff and the owners getting pissed at the bar. I stayed there until 6 practicing my Thai and they were practicing their English so everyone was a winner!

On Saturday i turned up to work at 12:30 for my class at 1 (the MASAKO! class) and i saw a mountain of macaroni and pork in tomato sauce. Apparently they had a kids show at the school (they do kids courses on weekend mornings) but because they did the show during half term, most of the kids didn’t show up! This meant that the machine that is my stomach had to devour all the food that was supposed to be for the kids. I didn’t need asking twice! I destroyed it all without so much as a second thought! Then they said “Same tomorrow! We have a show tomorrow!” “F to the N to the W-I-N-NER!” I thought to myself. free lunch. That’s how you motivate me. That or chocolate, lots of chocolate…..

Amazing Thailand…..Literally

I woke up at 8:00 on Sunday morning. I could hear a slight drizzle as i awakened from my groggy state. Sure enough i looked outside and it was raining, albeit softly. I knew i had to go to work at 9 which meant at the latest i could leave at 8:30

I had breakfast, brushed my teeth etc… and at 8:25 i could see it was still drizzling. I decided to wait an extra 5 minutes just in case it stopped. Terrible idea in a tropical country…..

Five minutes later the heavens opened up. It was raining sideways, upwards, whichever way you could imagine. I made my way downstairs and went to get on my bicycle until i realized that it would be way too dangerous to start cycling in that weather, so i put on my raincoat (a bright silver waterproof suit that makes me look like i’m one of the space guys from ‘Dude, where’s my car?’) and waited for it to subside.

At around 8:40 it was still down-pouring immensely, however the gale force winds had stopped. I decided that this was a good a moment as any to leave. Twenty minutes later i came to a crossroads which is a well known flood zone area. Once i got there i found a small ‘island’ where i could place my foot on the road, since the rest of the road was covered in water (Yep, it took a grand total of 20 minutes for Chiang Mai to be flooded. And this isn’t because of a poor irrigation system; this is solely due to how intense the rainstorms are here)

Not that it mattered. By the time the lights turned green that island had become like the lost city of Atlantis and i was now standing in 12-18 inches of floodwater. I got off my bike and pushed it through the current that was going against me since the next part of my journey was up a hill. Dodgy hand and all (See one of my previous blog posts to find out why i have a dodgy hand…) I pushed my bike through the crossroads.

Then i was treated with another dilemma; i knew there was a pothole that dropped about half a foot somewhere (enough to damage or even break your ankle if unseen and you step on it wrong) but i couldn’t see where due to the rising flood water. This meant that i had to stand in the middle of the road with my bicycle in between 1-2 feet of floodwater watching the traffic go by waiting for a gap so i could go around nothing. (Well, it was nothing to the car drivers who would have been oblivious that this hole existed, considering it would have never affected them in any way.

Once i had safely negotiated that obstacle, i then had to push my bicycle another 400 metres uphill because the rain water was turning into a river and it was way too dangerous to get back onto the bike. Once it was safe to continue i got back onto the bike, soaked from just under the knee-cap down and continued to cycle. The water was still 6 inches deep as it was running down the hill, just to give you an idea how heavy this rainstorm was.

I was 20 minutes late. Unsurprisingly i was the first person there. I assumed that nobody was going to come and took off my shoes that were literally filled up to the brim with water. I stank. The stanch of the flood water had gotten into my trousers and socks. There was nothing i could do about it; i simply had to wait until i had finished work before i could get out of those clothes and have a shower.

At ten o clock i started to think “Why don’t i spend two hours writing my book? That way when i’m done for the day, i’m actually done for the day. Rather than having to go home, write my book and probably finish at midnight.” (the concept of finishing for the day at 6pm is normally something i can only dream of nowadays!) I was just about to start writing when one of my students turned up.

“Sorry i’m late teacher!” She said enthusiastically.

“I secretly hate you…” I thought to myself.

Once the lesson was over, it was time to go home. “Oh scheisse…” I thought to myself, “Imagine how deep that flood zone is now!”

I stepped outside and saw that it the sun was beaming at a scorching 35+ degrees. All the clouds had gone and there were no signs of them coming back any time soon.

I got to the crossroads and i couldn’t believe my eyes; the floods had completely disappeared! 2 and a half hours before and it was well over a foot deep at its deepest point, the rain was showing no signs of stopping and it was seemingly only going to get worse judging by the amount of rain water pouring down the roads that were slightly hilly. It’s not as if there were small puddles either. The sun had dried out a flood in a matter of hours! You would have never have guessed what the roads looked like a couple of hours before.

I cycled through the crossroads with my trousers and shoes still soaked from what had happened that morning and thought, “This country never ceases to amaze me……”


I’m letting my standards slip

4 books in 9 months. If you had said to me this time last year that i would have written 4 books in 9 months and published 1 of them I would have laughed in your face. Mainly because this time last year writing wasn’t even on my radar.

Those of you who know me will be aware that i want to travel around the world without using a plane. Unless you are rich you need an avenue of income before you can even consider doing something like that. My first thought was to do football tricks. I was brilliant at it when i was in my teens, once doing over 2000 kick ups because i got bored of people constantly asking me ‘how many kick ups can you do?’ and have them say that i wasn’t that good when i replied that i’d never counted (i preferred to do tricks)

I tried to get back into it last year, but the humidity in Thailand made it difficult for me to keep motivated. I couldn’t practice for longer than 5 minutes before being drenched in sweat. In England i would spent at least an hour in the back garden every day honing my talent, not to mention the countless hours at school practicing with the better players at my school. I was finally doing what i loved; entertaining people.

Once i realised that i didn’t have the motivation to shake off 10 years worth of rust (if you are that motivated, you will never find an excuse. This time the excuses were there and i used them without so much as a second thought.) I dismissed it and said to myself that i’d try again when i was back in England (yep, another promise to myself that i knew deep down i wasn’t going to follow through with)

That brings me to teaching English; I don’t have a degree. I failed most of my exams simply because my mind was somewhere else for the whole of my teen years. (You could say that i woke up at around 19.) I didn’t think it was a big deal to not have any qualifications of any kind because i felt that if you were that motivated to succeed you would find a way no matter what, despite the hordes of people expecting you to fail.

Unfortunately one of the few places where that does matter is Asia. I got my teaching qualifications sure, but that counts for very little over here; they want to see a University degree before they even let you set foot in the door. If you don’t have a degree, you are not smart enough. That’s the unofficial rule.

Despite this i put my head down and worked my arse off trying to find an opportunity. Chasing down broken leads, being talked to like shit by potential bosses, whatever it took to get my foot in the door. I knew once i got that one opportunity i was going to take it. simply because opportunities don’t come too often for people like me. Not that i’m complaining; It feeds my motivation to succeed.

Finally about a month and a half later i got a job opportunity to teach a class in 15 minutes time. I lived 20 minutes away but cycled like Contador to get there on time. I was 1 minute late but i grasped the opportunity to get the class on a regular basis. Then they told me that they couldn’t give me a work permit because i didn’t have a degree. “That’s fine!” I enthusiastically answered. This was my one chance, and you can bet your arse i was going to take it….

3 months of teaching at a consistently high standard they changed their minds and said it was possible to get a work permit for me. The rest is history.

Then one day last December i was bored and decided to write a book. Yep, just like all of us have said to ourselves whilst drunk. Due to my admitted stubbornness i didn’t give up and actually finished the book. Once it was finished i tentatively gave it to a friend of mine who was a literature major in America and she told me it was brilliant, and that i should publish it. Again, the rest is history…

I wrote another one (the one i plan to publish very soon) about a killer written from a ‘dear diary’ point of view. I gave it to another friend of mine with a degree in psychology and a masters in criminology and she also gave me very positive feedback, with some small pointers on how to tweak it. It was then i realised this is what i can do; I can entertain people with my novels. Football tricks can be a side thing but i could make money from writing books, possibly whilst travelling around the world and absorbing multiple cultures which i could then utilize for future stories and characters.

Fast forward to today. I wonder whether i have too much on my plate and i need to either slow down or take an extended break, but my normally incredibly high standards are slipping, i can feel it. Normally i only succeed at things because my standards are impossibly high. So even if i don’t reach them i am still well above average. This isn’t just for writing books, i’m including blogging and teaching in this as well. For example lately I’ve noticed that I have been swearing a lot more in my blogs. Chasing laughs that aren’t there and trying to force them, and we all know what happens when you try to force a laugh.

I only wrote 4000 words last week; most of that needs to be changed since i knew that it wasn’t to my normal high standards as i was writing it. Hopefully this will be the kick up the arse i need. I know i have the potential to be a successful writer but at the moment that is all it is – potential. I need to sit down and hone my skills. I haven’t been in this game long. Other writers have more than a head start on me since writing wasn’t even a hobby for me until a year ago (so obviously i have never studied it) but it’s for me to start doing what i do best – overcoming the odds. Working twice as hard as anyone around me until i get to a level that only my impossible standards will accept, and that isn’t going to happen by wishing for it. I’ve got grab the bull by the horns and take it.

TJ looks like a Pixar character


Arrrrrrr!!!!! Look at the doggy woggy!!!!

Yeah, they’re getting cuter. Unfortunately for me i don’t get to see them as much any more now they are living at my landlady’s mum and dad’s house. However last Friday TJ got brought over to ours because he wasn’t eating properly. This meant that i had to feed him some wet puppy food and at the same time make sure that the over dogs didn’t steal it.


How did it go?

Horrifically! The 2 adult huskies and the poodle (who hilariously is the alpha dog) clocked what i was doing and followed me from all angles. To combat this i put TJ on a chair so he could eat in peace. TJ didn’t grasp the concept of this and tucked in so manically that the packet of wet food slipped out of the bowl and onto the floor. I did well to keep the other 3 dogs at bay only to see in the corner of my eye TJ slipping off the chair. I managed to catch him in mid air (thank you Tae Kwon Do reflexes!) and place him next to the food where he polished most of it off. The other 3 dogs kept sneaking towards the food ever so slowly. It felt like i was playing a computer game and i had a time limit to make sure that they didn’t eat the puppy’s food. I won!

Not really; Comedy of errors if you ask me. How’s the book?

I’ve been slacking. I’ve only done about 3000 words this week. I’ve done an ickle bit more editing on the 3rd one to get it ready to be published, but nothing to write home about. I’m also still waiting on the book cover but the person who normally designs my covers is having an ‘I don’t have a fucking house’ crisis at the moment. So i may be waiting for a while on that one…

Stories of the teaching variety?

Sure! But, again, nothing to write home about. There were a few things where if i wanted to be a dick i could publish it, but i don’t want to pounce on every remotely funny story that happens (normally between the two Fucktards, see my previous blog post….) because not only does it make me sound slightly bitter, it takes away from the genuine gems that some of these kids come up with. For example i asked Fucktard Version 2.0 what a sofa was the other day and he simply replied “Sofa same same sofa” See comments like THAT are blogworthy, but i’m not going to post average comments for the sake of posting them.

Anything else? 

Yeah i went on a date! I was at Liverpool Lee’s drinking whisky and eating Filipino food and there was this girl who didn’t speak a word of English. She seemed scared of her own shadow and wouldn’t go near any of us, let alone talk to us. The next day Lee’s wife said to me that ‘Silencio’ wanted to watch a movie with me on Sunday. At first i thought it was a terrible idea since my Thai is better than her English, and my Thai is shocking. Then i thought that it would be a really fun experience trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak your language, so i accepted the challenge.

How did it go? Was it as bad as you thought it would be?

Not at all! We had a fun time and i got to improve my Thai a little bit. However it wasn’t really a ‘date’, more like two friends of the opposite sex hanging out with each other. If it was a game of Sonic the level would have been called ‘Friend Zone, Act 1’ <cue green hill zone music>

Anything else to report?

Not really. I’ve started a new season with San Marino in serie B on Football Manager, taught a bit, ate a lot of pasta, and stalked people on Facebook. Nothing special. Tune in next week for the same old shit, just slightly repackaged….

Fucktard Vs Fucktard Version 2.0, who is the ultimate Fucktard?

Back story

A few months ago one of my students kept saying ‘yes’ to everything. He was taking an advanced English class yet clearly had no clue what i was saying and simply said yes all the time, resulting in hilarious situations and eventually blog posts. Luckily for me i only had to endure 20 hours of this torture. I put up with it because i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once it was over i was massively relieved. I didn’t have anything else to teach him and i was getting extremely frustrated with him.

Then a few weeks later i got a phone call saying that Fucktard wanted to come back (Call it ‘return of the fucktard’ if you will…) and almost instantaneously i also got assigned another new student. A kid (I say kid, he’s 22) who had a low level of English and needed a long term teacher to get him to a high standard, with no specified time limit. This was a change of pace for me because anyone who has taught English in Thailand knows it goes something like this: “I know nothing. I need to know everything. Teach me everything in 20 hours!”

I soon found out that it wasn’t a ‘low level of English’ issue; it was a ‘he’s a fucking idiot’ issue. Hence ‘Fucktard Version 2.0’  was born. But who claims the title as The Ultimate Fucktard?

* Scores are out of a possible 10

Fucktard (The Original Fucktard):

English potential: 4) I think there is a chance this kid may get there, albeit a small chance. There is zero chance of him getting to the level that he wants, but he may get a level where he can sneak a pass. All he has to do is copy anyway, thats how most people pass here. I’ve taught accountants who can’t figure out BASIC mathematics, and i’m not exaggerating.

Likelihood of not copying: 1) Sorry Fucktard; i figured you out a long time ago. It didn’t help that you showed me your dissertation and you hadn’t even bothered to change the fonts and sizes from the websites that you had stolen them from.

Likability: 8) Although he is an idiot, you can’t ignore the fact that he is a genuinely nice guy. And that has stopped me getting annoyed with him on a number of occasions.

Improvement: 3) Normally i correct him when he says something only for him to say it exactly how he said it before. I corrected him well over 20 times on the word ‘sentences’ but he still says ‘sentence’ without the ‘is’ on the end

Creativity: 1) HA! yeah, good luck with that…..

Unlikelihood of not listening to a fucking word I’ve just said: 1) Nearly every lesson i explain something in great detail with examples and he then either asks what it means or asks to give him an example. I might as well be talking to a tree….

Politeness: 9) Fucktard scores highly here. You can’t fault his politeness. Like i said, he’s a nice kid. He just need to visit the Wizard of Australia and ask for a brain….

Willingness to learn: 7) He’s on time (most of the time) and at least seems to try.

Overall: 34

Fucktard Version 2.0:

English potential: 2) I’m being generous here. more often than not i give up trying to help him pronounce the word ‘the’.

Likelihood of not copying 9) He doesn’t copy anything. He is much more likely to stare at his book for 20 minutes and then say “No” in the same accent that Consuela from Family Guy says it.

Likability 6) He annoys me, there’s no doubt about it. However I respect the fact that he doesn’t copy like the majority of students I’ve had. He does try and work it out. Unfortunately for him i have more faith in the Husky puppies learning English than him….

Improvement 1) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 1 lesson i spoke to him and explained what to do in fluent Italian for 20 minutes to see if he noticed, he didn’t….

Creativity 4) Logic is not one of this guy’s strong points. However there is a small amount of creativity that he possesses. Sometimes he does get a few of the questions right (I do see him fiddling around with his phone a lot. So i wonder whether he finds the answers online and jots them down)

Unlikelihood of not listening to a fucking word I’ve just said 1) NOT….AN…..F….N….CHANCE!!!! More often than not i am waving at him theatrically and saying loudly yet slowly, “YOU…SPEAK. YOU SAY…THIS. YOU YES SAY, YOU NO WRITE. WRITE, NOOOOO. SAY, YES!!!!” Complete with hand gestures that i learned during my time in Italy.

Politeness 7) He doesn’t seem rude in any way. One thing about most Asian people is that they are incredibly polite. Whereas we would get frustrated and angry quite quickly, they tend to take a deep breath and try again. And they ALWAYS respect authority.

Willingness to learn 1) twice in the 15 lessons we have had he hasn’t shown up at all. Most of the time he is 10 to 15 minutes late. He is a soapy massage guy in a – lets say – males only massage parlour. So the likely outcome is that he has found a sugar daddy to pay for his English lessons where he would prefer to work all night and produce thousand island dressing from the penises of rich old men who are either gay or ‘a little bi-curious’ (or have found a new hobby to do while the wife and kids are away…)

Overall: 31

So there you have it; After a long battle, Fucktard Version 2.0 finally managed to wrestle ‘The World Heavyweight Fucktard Championship’ from The Original Fucktard’s grasp. You were a great champion Original Fucktard, but no one can win forever. Eventually a changing of the guard must take place. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours….

Chris is taking up my blog titles again, hopefully this is the season finale!


Can you explain to me what the flick that is????

It’s ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Thacker’s’ expensive looking recording studio! He asked me to come back to do some more accents.


God knows…. I did an Indian accent first but he didn’t like it. He said i had to sound more energetic and crazy, so i changed the accent to ‘Middle aged Indian man on cocaine’. I enjoyed it, unfortunately i’m going to hell because of it….

God will forgive you as long as you bless him with teaching stories.


Me: (after going through electronics vocabulary) OK, are there any words here that you DON’T understand?

Fucktard version 2.0: CD

Me: A CD is this <picks up a CD> and you put it into a CD player <mimes putting the CD in the CD player that was next to it.> Anything else?

Fucktard version 2.0: CD player

Me: OK,  just literally told you this four seconds ago. It this thing that i was pointing to before.

Fucktard version 2.0: <silence>

Me: Anything else that you don’t understand?

Fucktard version 2.0: TV

Me: <shocked> A TV a a thing that you watch TV shows or DVDs on.

Fucktard version 2.0: OK

Me: Actually, isn’t TV the same word in Thai?

Fucktard version 2.0: <Gormless look>

Me: How do you say TV in Thai?

Fucktard version 2.0: TV

Me: anni aray te pasaa Thai, TV chai my? (roughly translates as: What is it called in Thai, it’s a TV, right?)

Fucktard version 2.0: Chai (correct)

Me: So it’s the same word….

Fucktard version 2.0: <silence>

I burst out laughing. I couldn’t hold it in…..

In another lesson i was going through the sounds of words for him. I’d written the word ‘fun’ on the board after explaining the ‘f’ sound to him and asked him to try and say the word. After multiple efforts of using sounds that didn’t involve the ‘f’ sound (which repeatedly prompted me to say it must have a ‘fffff’ sound in it.) I asked him by doing the sounds with him.

Me: Repeat after me; Fuh-uh-nuh

Fucktard version 2.0: Fuh-uh-nuh

Me: Faster. Fuh-uh-nuh

Fucktard version 2.0: Fuh-uh-nuh

Me: Fuhuhnuh Fuhuhnuh

Fucktard version 2.0: Fuhuhnuh Fuhuhnuh

Me: What’s the word?

Fucktard version 2.0: Crab

Me: What the..? Where…..How….? Where is there a ‘C’ in the word fun?

Fucktard version 2.0: There, C <points to the word ‘fun’>

Me: i genuinely have no idea how you found a ‘C’ in the word fun. Actually, How did you do it? I’m genuinely asking you; How did you get ‘crab” from the word fun?

Sounds like Fucktard version 2.0 is better than the original! Any other stories?

I got asked to write a multiple choice exam for a random school by my boss. After 20 questions my professionalism started kicking in and i began to write funny choices. One of the questions was:

24. Can i have a glass of water please?

a) Get out of my shop!

b) Who invited you to the party?

c) i’m afraid we have run out of water.

d) Water way to use a bad pun.

Also for one of the questions i left an option that read: Generic answer that i hope someone chooses. And yes, someone did choose it! When the exams were being marked by the school i borrowed some to see if anyone had chosen that option. Took me 2 papers before i found someone who did….


Yes indeed. But my life isn’t all yes; the puppies have been relocated to my landlady’s mum and dad’s house, so i hardly ever get to see them anymore. They were getting too big and they were running everywhere. It was only a matter of time before one of them made a beeline for the gate, and that could have been fatal.

Aww….. Cheer me up with Thailand stories.

I’ll try. I went out with one of my students on Saturday (not Fucktard, don’t worry. I wouldn’t invite Fucktard out, or Fucktard version 2.0. They’re nice boys and everything; but no….), after class she came with me and Liverpool Lee to watch the Liverpool Vs Everton match (As she’s a Liverpool fan) Jagielka’s last minute goal of the season didn’t go down too well with those two. But after that we destroyed three quarters of a bottle of whisky between us and everyone had a lot of fun!

How Ist Ze Book?

Ze Book Ist Gud! I’m 23000 words in now. Nearly half way through it. I wrote 2700 words on Monday alone! I have an idea of how it is going to play out now, and by that i mean i have a vague idea of how i want to end it, i just need to get there and make the ending good rather than simply saying, “And this happened. TA DAHH! the end……” I haven’t sent the third book to be edited yet (In case i haven’t mentioned it yet; i’m planning to publish the third one really soon. Click here to read the blurb) and i hope in a few weeks time i’ll be writing a blog plugging my next book, but for now i’m just leaving you in suspense and saying it’s on the way….