I called one of the puppies Shaniqua and got away with it….


Yep, the 6 puppies are called Damon (after a 6 foot 8 white guy that lives here, the husky is white and much bigger than the rest!), Runt (because she’s tiny), TJ, Nicky, James…… and Shaniqua. I couldn’t think of a 6th name so i said the funniest female name i could think of at the time. (sorry if there are any Shaniqua’s reading this, however i’m pretty sure i’m safe…) I gave my landlord an out and said that he could call her Molly instead, but he was happy with Shaniqua.

That is fookin amazing! How are they?

Still cute. They are starting to look like huskies now. They are big fat fuckers though! (I think we gave them too much milk when we were feeding them by the bottle, but i prefer that than the other way round) Runt had to go to the vets because she lost her hair on her tail. It’s nothing serious and it will grow back, it’s just funny because she has a rats tail now.

Teaching stories?

Oh yes! Fucktard is back to his award winning best; saying yes at every turn. 2 minutes into the lesson he asked me to look through his essay introduction. I asked him what exactly he wanted me to check and he said yes. I was so happy! I felt like my last number had been called at the bingo or something. I wanted to stand up, pretend to look at my watch and say “…and i time that at 2 minutes and 36 seconds. Who had the closest to 2:36 on the pool?”

An hour later we were doing compound sentences (2 separate small sentences that can be joined together using a ‘joining word’. For example because or but) So i wrote 7 examples of ‘joining words’ and wrote extensively what they meant on the board (yes, i did write the word ‘and’ with a detailed explanation of what it meant, and yes he did write it down….) The main reason i wrote it down was because i felt it was pointless explaining it as he would just say yes to everything, then be no wiser. Which is hilarious to watch but also incredibly frustrating. After which i said a few examples with the word and added….

Me: OK, what i would like you to do is write down 2 examples for each word. You can be as creative as you like, OK?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: Beautiful

Fucktard: <Stares at his book and smiles for 15 seconds>

Me: Would you like me to give you another example?

Fucktard: Yes yes

Me: <gives another fucking 10 out of 10 example> OK, so can you write down 2 examples for each one?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: I look at my book and start looking through the next part of the lesson, something doesn’t feel right so i look up and see Fucktard looking at me.

Fucktard: Excuse me, what do you want me to do?

I think the only reason i wasn’t pissed off at this moment was because he said “Excuse me.” It’s hard to get pissed off at someone who is that polite…

Me: Write 2 examples for each. So (pointing at the board) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. 2 sentences for each word, so 14 altogether.

Fucktard: OK yes.

Me: Would you like me to give you one more example?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: I like to play football but i don’t like to watch it.

Fucktard: <immediately writes: I like to play tennis but i don’t like to watch it>

“Brilliant…” I thought sarcastically. 5 minutes later he finishes the task and gives the piece of paper back to me. Most of them were wrong, but at least he was trying….

Me: You have only done ten, you have only used five of the examples

Fucktard: <Blankness, Blanka from Street fighter’s nephew….>

Me: There are ten. Look, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. What’s 7 times 2?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: What’s seven times two? (In a less enthusiastic tone)

Fucktard: <smiles>

I give up…….

He’s improving, soon he will be known as ‘Notasfucktardyasyouthink’, probably….

He’s not as bad as he was before. However i think that’s because i have a student who is Fucktard version 2.0, this kid groans the word “no” all the time. This means that i have one student that continuously says yes and another that says no. I feel like i’m being followed around by Daniel Bryan…..

Anyway, the book’s coming along well. I’m 14,000 words in. I’m on day 9 out of 31 (or 30, i’m not sure yet). I’ve also got positive feedback from my 3rd and 4th books, with suggestions on where they could do with improvement, so hopefully they will be out in a few months!

What’s the latest one about? What do you mean by ‘Day 9’?

It’s about a painfully shy 20 something guy who decides for one month he is going to talk to a girl for at least 5 minutes every day. The talking normally goes horribly wrong but it’s more about the funny things that happen after because he tried to talk to the girl. Almost like the knock on effect of his actions. I’ve got some really funny situations that occur as a result, plus loads of ideas and notes to write up about in the future.

Give us an example!

Well, there is one day where he goes out with his mates and decides to chat up a gorgeous girl at the bar who he wouldn’t normally go after because he thinks shes way out of his league. He buys her a drink and stumbles his way through a conversation. Then after a few minutes the girl says she ‘has to go back to her friends’, and thanks him for buying her a drink. He looks around and sees that his friends have disappeared. Whilst looking for them he sees the original girl sitting on some guy’s lap being very flirty. He feels devastated and decides to walk home.  As he is crossing the road a car nearly runs him down. He swears at them for being reckless and the car stops, then comes back. 2 Russians get out and point a gun at his head. Then some random guy joins in and starts pleading with them in Russian to not kill him. They agree and drive off, saying that the kid ‘got lucky’. Then the random guy says to the main character that he should come with him and enjoy ‘a real night out’. And that’s your lot i’m afraid. I’m not giving away any more. If you want to read more, you have to buy it when it’s released sometime next year.


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