Guess who’s back….Back again….Fucktard’s back….Tell a friend….

Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, NA NA NA!

Yep, he’s back. He wrote a letter to my school saying what he wanted to learn for the next 20 hours, it said something along the lines of….

Hello Mr Lewis, I’m Mr Fucktard. I would like you to teach me…..

Simple sentences

Complex sentences

Compound sentences

How to write an essay

What a noun, an adjective and an adverb is.

Yep, you read that correctly; He expects to learn how to write an essay in 20 hours, however he doesn’t know what a noun is, or what adjectives and adverbs are. God help us all…..

So it must have been brutal i’m guessing.

It wasn’t as bad as you think. I started from the basics which is more his level. I was also secretly disappointed that he didn’t say ‘Yes’ once (well, not out of place anyway.) I’m not going to lie i was listening out for it….

That means you have no funny stories this week?

On the contrary my dear reader; I was teaching a group class about the UK and what all the countries are called. When we got to Great Britain i was already physically exhausted by their answers, so i decided to write the first letter for them.

“Government?” One of the students shouted out.

I literally headbutted the board in disbelief. They laughed, but i was ready to break my own neck.

You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to keep my interest, you know football season’s started….(That reference works for American’s AND the English!)

I have a new student. A kid i’m going to call James after the main character in my book. (Shameless plug alert, couldn’t care less. In fact i care so little that i’m rubbing my nipples in celebration!) In fact, i’m going to call him ‘James and the giant todger’ because i think that sounds better. Anyway, the horrific crime scene went as follows:

Me: OK, so i’m from a town called Watford, where do you think Watford is? <Then i wrote USA, Wales, England, Canada, Scotland, Ireland, South Africa and Australia on the board> Which one of these?

James and the giant todger: <Silence>

Me: <More silence, I’ve been doing this for too long. I WILL win this game….>

James and the giant todger: China

Me: Err…. China is not one of the options on the board, try again.

James and the giant todger: Thailand

Me: Nope, Watford is not in Thailand, try picking a country that’s actually on the board.

James and the giant todger: The 5th one

Me: OK, so we’re not even bothering with names now; Let’s see… Scotland, nope, it’s not Scotland. Try again.

James and the giant todger: Number 7

Me: Umm…. No, not Australia

James and the giant todger: Three

Me: Erm, Yes actually, it is England!

Then i asked him when his birthday was. I knew it was a bad idea, but at the same time i really wanted to know what was going to come out of his mouth. I wasn’t disappointed….

“Monday number 1…” He proudly announced.

“I don’t know what that means!” I gasped, struggling to hold back my laughter.

You’re a good teacher Lewis. You know, teaching them and shit. What else has happened in the life of Lewis?

I went to do another recording session with The Artist Formerly Known As Thacker. He wanted to tweak a few of his recordings and i was more than happy to help. Especially as i got to do accents whilst doing it. Here’s one of the videos on Youtube with me attempting a Scouse accent if you want to have a listen;

No thank you! I want to know how the book’s going. I bet you gave up you pathetic piece of…..

No i didn’t actually! I’m back into the swing of it and i’m enjoying it again. I’ve also got another person to critique my books. Turns out Liverpool Lee is an avid book reader and he said he’d be happy to have a read through what i have. Also it’s good for him because he gets a free book out of it! We were talking about it whilst having a bottle of whisky and watching the game. T’was another good night!

How are the puppies?

Still cute, as you can see from the pictures. Most of them have bright blue eyes which makes them even cuter. That’s it from me. Enjoy the puppy pictures….

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One thought on “Guess who’s back….Back again….Fucktard’s back….Tell a friend….

  1. Pingback: 100 posts! | sirlewisofclarke

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