I called one of the puppies Shaniqua and got away with it….

Wut…….?

Yep, the 6 puppies are called Damon (after a 6 foot 8 white guy that lives here, the husky is white and much bigger than the rest!), Runt (because she’s tiny), TJ, Nicky, James…… and Shaniqua. I couldn’t think of a 6th name so i said the funniest female name i could think of at the time. (sorry if there are any Shaniqua’s reading this, however i’m pretty sure i’m safe…) I gave my landlord an out and said that he could call her Molly instead, but he was happy with Shaniqua.

That is fookin amazing! How are they?

Still cute. They are starting to look like huskies now. They are big fat fuckers though! (I think we gave them too much milk when we were feeding them by the bottle, but i prefer that than the other way round) Runt had to go to the vets because she lost her hair on her tail. It’s nothing serious and it will grow back, it’s just funny because she has a rats tail now.

Teaching stories?

Oh yes! Fucktard is back to his award winning best; saying yes at every turn. 2 minutes into the lesson he asked me to look through his essay introduction. I asked him what exactly he wanted me to check and he said yes. I was so happy! I felt like my last number had been called at the bingo or something. I wanted to stand up, pretend to look at my watch and say “…and i time that at 2 minutes and 36 seconds. Who had the closest to 2:36 on the pool?”

An hour later we were doing compound sentences (2 separate small sentences that can be joined together using a ‘joining word’. For example because or but) So i wrote 7 examples of ‘joining words’ and wrote extensively what they meant on the board (yes, i did write the word ‘and’ with a detailed explanation of what it meant, and yes he did write it down….) The main reason i wrote it down was because i felt it was pointless explaining it as he would just say yes to everything, then be no wiser. Which is hilarious to watch but also incredibly frustrating. After which i said a few examples with the word and added….

Me: OK, what i would like you to do is write down 2 examples for each word. You can be as creative as you like, OK?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: Beautiful

Fucktard: <Stares at his book and smiles for 15 seconds>

Me: Would you like me to give you another example?

Fucktard: Yes yes

Me: <gives another fucking 10 out of 10 example> OK, so can you write down 2 examples for each one?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: I look at my book and start looking through the next part of the lesson, something doesn’t feel right so i look up and see Fucktard looking at me.

Fucktard: Excuse me, what do you want me to do?

I think the only reason i wasn’t pissed off at this moment was because he said “Excuse me.” It’s hard to get pissed off at someone who is that polite…

Me: Write 2 examples for each. So (pointing at the board) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. 2 sentences for each word, so 14 altogether.

Fucktard: OK yes.

Me: Would you like me to give you one more example?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: I like to play football but i don’t like to watch it.

Fucktard: <immediately writes: I like to play tennis but i don’t like to watch it>

“Brilliant…” I thought sarcastically. 5 minutes later he finishes the task and gives the piece of paper back to me. Most of them were wrong, but at least he was trying….

Me: You have only done ten, you have only used five of the examples

Fucktard: <Blankness, Blanka from Street fighter’s nephew….>

Me: There are ten. Look, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. What’s 7 times 2?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: What’s seven times two? (In a less enthusiastic tone)

Fucktard: <smiles>

I give up…….

He’s improving, soon he will be known as ‘Notasfucktardyasyouthink’, probably….

He’s not as bad as he was before. However i think that’s because i have a student who is Fucktard version 2.0, this kid groans the word “no” all the time. This means that i have one student that continuously says yes and another that says no. I feel like i’m being followed around by Daniel Bryan…..

Anyway, the book’s coming along well. I’m 14,000 words in. I’m on day 9 out of 31 (or 30, i’m not sure yet). I’ve also got positive feedback from my 3rd and 4th books, with suggestions on where they could do with improvement, so hopefully they will be out in a few months!

What’s the latest one about? What do you mean by ‘Day 9’?

It’s about a painfully shy 20 something guy who decides for one month he is going to talk to a girl for at least 5 minutes every day. The talking normally goes horribly wrong but it’s more about the funny things that happen after because he tried to talk to the girl. Almost like the knock on effect of his actions. I’ve got some really funny situations that occur as a result, plus loads of ideas and notes to write up about in the future.

Give us an example!

Well, there is one day where he goes out with his mates and decides to chat up a gorgeous girl at the bar who he wouldn’t normally go after because he thinks shes way out of his league. He buys her a drink and stumbles his way through a conversation. Then after a few minutes the girl says she ‘has to go back to her friends’, and thanks him for buying her a drink. He looks around and sees that his friends have disappeared. Whilst looking for them he sees the original girl sitting on some guy’s lap being very flirty. He feels devastated and decides to walk home.  As he is crossing the road a car nearly runs him down. He swears at them for being reckless and the car stops, then comes back. 2 Russians get out and point a gun at his head. Then some random guy joins in and starts pleading with them in Russian to not kill him. They agree and drive off, saying that the kid ‘got lucky’. Then the random guy says to the main character that he should come with him and enjoy ‘a real night out’. And that’s your lot i’m afraid. I’m not giving away any more. If you want to read more, you have to buy it when it’s released sometime next year.

Guess who’s back….Back again….Fucktard’s back….Tell a friend….

Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, Fucktard’s back, NA NA NA!

Yep, he’s back. He wrote a letter to my school saying what he wanted to learn for the next 20 hours, it said something along the lines of….

Hello Mr Lewis, I’m Mr Fucktard. I would like you to teach me…..

Simple sentences

Complex sentences

Compound sentences

How to write an essay

What a noun, an adjective and an adverb is.

Yep, you read that correctly; He expects to learn how to write an essay in 20 hours, however he doesn’t know what a noun is, or what adjectives and adverbs are. God help us all…..

So it must have been brutal i’m guessing.

It wasn’t as bad as you think. I started from the basics which is more his level. I was also secretly disappointed that he didn’t say ‘Yes’ once (well, not out of place anyway.) I’m not going to lie i was listening out for it….

That means you have no funny stories this week?

On the contrary my dear reader; I was teaching a group class about the UK and what all the countries are called. When we got to Great Britain i was already physically exhausted by their answers, so i decided to write the first letter for them.

“Government?” One of the students shouted out.

I literally headbutted the board in disbelief. They laughed, but i was ready to break my own neck.

You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to keep my interest, you know football season’s started….(That reference works for American’s AND the English!)

I have a new student. A kid i’m going to call James after the main character in my book. (Shameless plug alert, couldn’t care less. In fact i care so little that i’m rubbing my nipples in celebration!) In fact, i’m going to call him ‘James and the giant todger’ because i think that sounds better. Anyway, the horrific crime scene went as follows:

Me: OK, so i’m from a town called Watford, where do you think Watford is? <Then i wrote USA, Wales, England, Canada, Scotland, Ireland, South Africa and Australia on the board> Which one of these?

James and the giant todger: <Silence>

Me: <More silence, I’ve been doing this for too long. I WILL win this game….>

James and the giant todger: China

Me: Err…. China is not one of the options on the board, try again.

James and the giant todger: Thailand

Me: Nope, Watford is not in Thailand, try picking a country that’s actually on the board.

James and the giant todger: The 5th one

Me: OK, so we’re not even bothering with names now; Let’s see… Scotland, nope, it’s not Scotland. Try again.

James and the giant todger: Number 7

Me: Umm…. No, not Australia

James and the giant todger: Three

Me: Erm, Yes actually, it is England!

Then i asked him when his birthday was. I knew it was a bad idea, but at the same time i really wanted to know what was going to come out of his mouth. I wasn’t disappointed….

“Monday number 1…” He proudly announced.

“I don’t know what that means!” I gasped, struggling to hold back my laughter.

You’re a good teacher Lewis. You know, teaching them and shit. What else has happened in the life of Lewis?

I went to do another recording session with The Artist Formerly Known As Thacker. He wanted to tweak a few of his recordings and i was more than happy to help. Especially as i got to do accents whilst doing it. Here’s one of the videos on Youtube with me attempting a Scouse accent if you want to have a listen;

No thank you! I want to know how the book’s going. I bet you gave up you pathetic piece of…..

No i didn’t actually! I’m back into the swing of it and i’m enjoying it again. I’ve also got another person to critique my books. Turns out Liverpool Lee is an avid book reader and he said he’d be happy to have a read through what i have. Also it’s good for him because he gets a free book out of it! We were talking about it whilst having a bottle of whisky and watching the game. T’was another good night!

How are the puppies?

Still cute, as you can see from the pictures. Most of them have bright blue eyes which makes them even cuter. That’s it from me. Enjoy the puppy pictures….

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Immigration offices suck!

And that’s putting it politely!

I just got my work permit renewed 2 Thursdays ago. They said to me to go into the immigration office the next day (Friday) so i can get my visa extended for another year. “Fantastic!” I thought, as i wasn’t expecting them to renew it. So off i trotted back home. I knew immigration can be tough but i wasn’t expecting anything like this…..

Friday

I woke up at 10. I though i’d wait until the afternoon and go in, just in case i can sneak in as the very last person at the end of the day. I got there at 1 and the place was packed. To be fair i knew i wasn’t going to get seen that day so it didn’t bother me when they said to come back at 7 on Monday.

Monday

Immigration opens at 8:30, so i got there at 8 o clock and there was one immigration officer handing out laminated cards. I got to the front of the counter only to be told i was too late (even though immigration hadn’t opened yet; You figure that one out….) and to come back tomorrow.

Tuesday

Not to be deterred i arrived at immigration at 7:30. I was lucky enough to get handed a laminated card. Go me! I got queue number 56. So i waited and waited, then i waited a little bit more because i’m English and it’s ingrained in our culture. I finally got ticket number 261 and got told to come back at 3:00. “Result!” I thought. I had a class at 4:30, so i could go back to bed, get there at 2:30, be in and out by 3:30 and off to work.

Er… Yeah…..

Got there at 2:30, they were on number 230. “No worries.” I thought. I’ll get seen at 3:30, be out by 4 and race to work. It’s an inconvenience but at least my visa is sorted.

By 3:30 they had moved up to number 237. I handed in my number and said to cancel it because i had to go to work. They looked extremely overwhelmed by the amount of work and stress they were under. In a way i felt sorry for them because they were painfully understaffed, and it’s not their fault. They were trying as hard as they could.

Wednesday

Woke up at 8. Decided there was no point in going there since if i couldn’t get seen when i arrived at 7:30, there would be no chance i’d get a ticket at 8:30….

Thursday

“Enough is enough!” I thought. I woke up at 6 and went straight to immigration. It seemed a bit extreme to go there 2 hours before the place opened but i just wanted it done and out of the way. I got there and the queue went all the way around the car park. I’d arrived at 6:20 (Remember, immigration doesn’t open until 8:30) yet i still was number 96 in the queue. I got talking to some of the people in the queue. One guy said he got there at 5 and he was 31 in the queue. Another guy said he got there at 5:15 and he was number 37. Needless to say i didn’t get seen that day either….

Friday

Yep, NEXT Friday. Luckily i didn’t have a lot of classes last week or i would have missed out on a lot of money. I got there at 6:30 and the queue was smaller than the day before, but still pretty long. I got number 47 in the queue, followed by ticket number 247. They told me to come back at 2:45. I nearly cried with joy. I WAS GOING TO BE SEEN!  I had the whole day off and i wasn’t leaving without that stamp. So i left.

I came back obviously! I got there at 2:45 and they were at number 235. After waiting for 2 hours and making some new friends in the queue i finally got seen at 4:35. They checked the paperwork (I was expecting there to be something wrong as i’d been so so much.) And lo and behold there was a typo on one of my extensive forms. They typed 2014 instead of 2015. I pointed out it was obviously a typo as the other forms all said 2015. Luckily she ignored it and put it through. Normally they are very particular and if 1 sheet of paper doesn’t match they refuse to process it. But common sense prevailed and i was out by 5:20!

Like i said, the immigration officials are not to blame. Thailand has just recently changed its visa regulations and the immigration office is feeling the brunt of it. I hope that things get sorted soon, for their sake. It can’t be healthy to turn up at work at 8 in the morning and literally see hundreds of people waiting to see you every day. I felt stressed when people were queuing to see me when i was a bar manager, and i’m talking about two or three people! Al least i don’t have to do this for another year. I’m sure it’ll be sorted by then. I hope……

I’ve hit the proverbial wall.

Is this really worth broadcasting to the world? 

I haven’t written any more of my story for 3 days. 5 if you are not including ideas as to where i want to take the story or little snippets that have been written down so i don’t forget it at a later date. The problem is this is supposed to be a happy story but i’m feeling a bit under the weather. Normally i can let the story drift with whatever mood i may be feeling as long as it flows, but i don’t want to make this story become dark. I’m also reluctant to stop writing for an undetermined period because i know deep down that if i stop i’ll never get started again.

I’ve written 4 books in 8 months. Well, 4 and a half if you include this one. Normally i would fight through if i don’t want to write because the feeling you get when you can look back and think about the complexity of a book and then think “i wrote that.” is an incredible feeling. But lately I’ve really struggled to feel motivated. Like anyone i always wonder whether i’m good enough to do this. If i’m just wasting my time and setting myself up for a big fall. My close friends and family tell me that i’m good at what i do. Of course they have to say that right? Are they shielding me from the truth? Are they prolonging the inevitable?

i know i can’t continue to feel like this forever. Overcoming self doubt and fighting through no matter how badly you want to give up is the difference between being successful and being that person at the pub blaming everyone else for their own shortcomings. I need to smash through this wall. If i do not have enough strength to go through the wall i need to resort to plan B and climb over it. Either way i WILL get past this wall, and i will succeed. I’ve always been a firm believer that if you are truly good at something people will find you. It may take years or even decades, but pure talent cannot be ignored forever. Someone will notice it one day and once that opportunity presents itself, the successful people won’t let it pass by.

I suppose i better get back to work. This book isn’t going to write itself, and success doesn’t just fall on people’s laps, it comes from hard work and the desire to do something that others don’t dare to dream. If i want to be making money from my books in 10 years time, then i better stop moping around on here and start fucking earning it……

Apparently in Thailand this is what squids look like….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Yep, I was browsing through one of the terrible books i use to teach MASAKO! and i stumbled across the animal page. This book, although advertised as written by an American, has several major grammatical errors, some where you actually have to explain to a class full of wide eyed children, “This book is completely wrong, so i’m just going to tell you how normal people say it.” I thought that it couldn’t have any errors in the animal section surely? Well no, not any errors, But that squid looks like he is a hit with the ladies…

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“I’ve been dating this Japanese girl for 3 months now and it’s going swimmingly!” Said the veiny beast.

I repeat, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Of course i invaded other people’s lesson to show them what i had just found. I least there was one success story that day!

I see, so is that it for teaching stories?

Kind of. Fucktard will be back soon so i’m sure i’ll have a lot of ‘yes’ stories like in one of my previous blogs, but other than that the only students i have are smart, and hot. So yay me!!!!

I did have one moment where one of my students in a group class was trying to get some motivation to speak, so for some unknown reason she was staring at her hand. That’s all i needed; I put my hand in front of my face like the legendary Booker T and shouted “five time….five time……..five time….five time……FIVE TIME WCW CHAMPION!!!!” Just like the legend himself would say. They laughed, completely unaware of the reference. Then when she was about to speak i interrupted her and said “Can you dig it….SUCKA!!!!!!!!!!” 

Oh wrestling, where would i be without you…?

Probably doing something productive, like writing a book or something…

Well i am on my 5th one. The simple concept for this one is that a guy who is ridiculously shy around women decides to talk to a girl for at least 5 minutes every day for a month. I’m on day four at the moment, which it itself is 3000 words. I’m about 8 or 9000 words in, i’m not 100% sure, but i did come up with the ending last night while i was trying to get to sleep. It rounded the story up nicely too. Now i just need to write it out and make at least 40000 words out of it, with plot twists and additional characters, which is easy once you get into it.

So you are finished already?

Not at all! it needs to fit together and if it doesn’t, the story may change. The story is always subject to change as long as it benefits the book. However it is nice to have a spine that i can expand from, rather than when i was writing my 3rd book i remember i was three quarters of the way in and i had no idea how it was going to end, although it did kind of come together well in the end.

Anything else?

Yeah Suzy got sick. We don’t know exactly what is wrong with her but she has been at the vets for the last few days. Which means i have been playing substitute mummy to the puppies, feeding them with babies bottles. It’s really nice, but i am worried that i will get more attached to them because of this.

I was feeding one of the pups and i was failing miserably. She wouldn’t grab on to the teat properly and the milk was going everywhere. I said it her, “You’re getting it all around your mouth, but none in your mouth!” Which was swiftly followed by a “That’s what she said.” I amuse myself sometimes….

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Also i went out with Jeremy last Thursday. Jeremy has been living in Laos for the last year or so. I used to work with him here and it was nice to see him. We went for lunch first and he treated me to a pizza, which i was secretly happy about because i haven’t exactly been busy in terms of teaching this month. Then we met up in the evening and he took me to a proper Thai bar, because his Thai is simply outstanding, especially compared to my mumbling nonsense! After that we went to the dodgy street in Chiang Mai where all the disease ridden bar girls hang out waiting to attack an innocent Lewis. After a few more drinks i thought it would be a good idea to play a few games of pool with my sprained wrist. Well done me!!!! The night ended with me talking to a bar girl who said she was 18 but i very much doubt she was. She could have been, but she looked like a very young 18. Me and Jeremy made our excuses and headed on home. Overall it was a good night. I hope it won’t be another year until i see him again but realistically i can’t see myself going to Laos, i don’t like it there. So most likely i will have to wait until he comes back. Until next time my friend, t’was fun!

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A pic of the puppies the day before Suzy got sick and we had to feed them ourselves. As you can see they are growing up fast!