Marketing sucks. Do you know what sucks? Marketing….

You know, you’re such a whiny little bitch!

Yeah that’s true. Only because i never thought marketing would ever be relevant in my life. I used to look at people who studied subjects like Marketing and think, “What a doss subject!” Now i’m quietly envious. The main reason is that i’m the kind of person who gets annoyed if people advertise things. If i want something, i go out and buy it. I don’t like being influenced in any way because i see that as a form of manipulation. Point being i’m finding it extremely difficult to market the book when in the back of my mind i’m imagining how i would feel from the outside in looking at it and i roll my eyes.

Just do it. What’s the problem?

The problem is i don’t feel comfortable with it. For example the great Robin Williams died yesterday. Some people may have seen this is a great marketing opportunity for my book. Posting on forums and links everywhere about ‘The Price of Fame’ so to speak. But i find it tasteless and heartless to try and make money and advertise during a moment of tragedy. Some people can do that. But not me. I hope people will find it and like it for it’s quality and not because i’ unnaturally trying to ram it down people’s throats

So what? You’re just gonna give up?

I didn’t say that. I just simply don’t know what i’m doing. A friend of mine told me to make some business cards which is a cracking idea, especially since when i talk to people about the book (or this blog) and they want to know the name, there’s an awkward silence followed by me saying, “Bear with me, let me go and get a pen…..” I’m considering a ‘shares win prizes’ kind of scheme as well. But for now they are just ideas.

How’s the selling side of things going?

Pretty good! Not enough to earn any royalties yet but they are still going. I’ve got my first couple of reviews as well (And they are both 5 stars! Go me!!!!) If you want to have a look. I shared them on my author page on Facebook so if anybody is on the fence about buying it maybe it will sway them to take the plunge.

And the 4th book? Are you done yet?

Nearly. I’ve written about 12,000 words in the past week and i’m much closer to the end than i thought i was. Now i just need to wrap it up storylinewise (i doubt that’s a word, they should make that a word…..) and the first draft will be done.

What’s this book about again? Is it negative and depressing like all the others?

Well, it does have psychological problems in it that they have to overcome. But in general the book has a different message

……Well……What’s the message?

You have to read it and find out! Here’s the blurb if you want to have a look.

Penishead! Redeem yourself with teaching stories.

OK, lets start with a game. Let’s play: 3 things Fucktard said ‘yes’ to! 

1.

He went to Bangkok for the weekend, i waited outside and wondered how long it would take for him to say yes…

Me: Hi Fucktard! How was Bangkok?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: <Bursts out laughing> i knew you were going to say that, i fucking knew it!

2.

Fucktard: <Randomly,> Do you like football?

Me: Yes i do

Fucktard: Who is your team?

Me: Watford, they are in The Champoinship

Fucktard: Yes

Me: Who is your favourite team?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: <going with it out of pure passive aggressiveness> And who is your favourite player?

Fucktard: Yes Yes (i swear to God i’m not lying, he actually said ‘Yes’ twice here…)

Me: Your favourite player is Yes Yes? He used to play for Liverpool, right?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: And what position does Yes yes play? I forgot…

Fucktard: Uh… I don’t know

3.

At the start of the lesson, he turns to me and says,

Fucktard: Teacher! I’m sorry but i want <mumbles>

Me: You want what sorry?

Fucktard: Yes

Me: You want yes?

Fucktard: Yes

* honestly there were loads, i’d say at least 10. But i can’t remember them off the top of my head.

Also I had to have a meeting (In Thailand, a meeting is a load of people doing nothing productive but it serves to make the boss look good when he/she has dinner with their friends and they say “I was at a meeting today…”) with Fucktard Jr’s mum (No relation to Fucktard, just pure coincidence..) And my Thai line manager called Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth.

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: Lewis, can we speak to you?

Lewis: Sure what’s up?

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: This is your student’s mother

Me: Which student?

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: Yes

Me: That is not a yes question, i asked whose mother is she? (Yeah, i don’t respect Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth. Don’t worry, he’s not a nice guy and deserves every verbal humiliation i give him…)

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: <looks confused then proceeds to mumble Thai to the Mum, i hear her say in Thai that she’s Fucktard Jr’s mum>

Me: Oh, she’s Fucktard Jr’s mum.

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: Yes Yes, that’s her.

<SILENCE ENSUES…..>

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth: So she would like to know how her daughter is progressing?

Me: (I wanted to say, “Well, she’s fucking shit, let’s start with that!” But i ended up saying:) Yeah, she is getting better, but she does need to work hard at home and school.

I then proceed to give an Oscar winning speech (Sorry Leo, that’s not aimed at you. The fact you haven’t won an Oscar yet is criminal…) about how i am a teacher and my job is to teach and motivate the students so that they can learn to do things by themselves instead of pointing at the different multiple choice answers until i say yes and they fill it in (which, ironically is all we have been doing as she is not only a fucktard, she is a shit fucktard….) I then concluded it with explaining a basic style of teaching that sounds good as long as it’s backed up in practice. Fortunately for me i didn’t have to prove anything. As long as you sound good, you must be good. That’s the rule….

Ulrich Von Outofhisdepth then stares at me looking impressed and inspired. Don’t know why, i was just blagging it. Then he turns to Fucktard Jr’s mum and starts freestyling in Thai. She looks happy, turns to me and says thank you. 

“Thank you? Thank you? I’m pretty sure I’ve just insulted your daughter and you say thank you? I give up….”

Is that it this week?

Yep. I’ve taken San Marino to the playoffs in Serie C1A in Football Manager. And i also went out with Mr Lee Cartwright© and consumed one too many Benmore Whiskies with him. He’s a good laugh. I hope to go out with him a few more times. Oh yeah i almost forgot! I went out with French Girl on Friday (I think..) Because she wanted to go to a French bar that was playing expressionist music. Let’s just say it sounded like Ross Gellar’s ‘The Sound’ except 10 times worse because every 10 seconds the microphone would let out a high pitched squeal, presumably because he was too close to the amp. The highlight of the night was thinking that i saw someone there from my Thai class 3 years ago, only to be greeted by an outrageously gay person. “Hi i’m Chris!” He shrieked, stereotypically clicking his fingers at shoulder height as he said it. “Abort conversation, abort fucking conversation!” Thanks French Girl! Next time i pick the bar…..

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