“Oh hi Lewis, we have a new student for you, his name is Whats That Coming Over The Hill, Is It A Fucktard, Is It A FucktAARD? (Or ‘Fucktard’ for short.)”
Scenario: This kid needs help on his thesis, because he struggles to concentrate for the whole essay. At least, that’s the speech he’s memorized. He’s told me this word for word 6 times in 2 days. Hasn’t said much else though…..
So the first day i wrote down motivational tips on the board how to write, psychological tips, you know, all that shit. And he’s just nodding, he clearly doesn’t have a fucking clue what i’m saying. So after i stop speaking he simply pulls out his phone and takes a picture. “Oh it’s one of those lessons is it?” I thought to myself. “He’s not going to write it down or study. He’s just going to copy everything i say.”
Next i go through his thesis. If Peter Andre was looking at it, he would have said….
Do da do..do, DOO
Do da do..DO DOO
Do da do..do doo
Yep, everything was copied and pasted from wherever he had got it from. It was so obvious that he hadn’t even changed the font styles and sizes from each place he had got it from. Fucktard was really going places…..
The next thing i had to do was teach him how to describe graphs. Something i do on a monthly basis so i have a lot prepared for it. Everything was going fine, until i was stupid enough to give him an instruction other than “Do this…”
Me: OK, so the top bit i want you to do for homework, so don’t do that now, but what i want you to do is the bottom bit. Draw your own graph, then describe it for me, OK?
I wait for a minute or so, then i realise he is staring at his book, not doing much.
Fucktard: Excuse me, what do i do?
Me: I literally told you less than a minute ago. draw a graph, then talk about it. OK? (I said this miming what i wanted him to do)
Me: Are you sure?
So i do a lap around the room like a prison warden. I come back to see him doing the homework.
Me: Why are you doing the homework?
<silence ensues, Fucktard has stopped saying yes….>
Me: I told you to do this as homework. Do the thing i told you to do, the thing i’m pointing at.
Fucktard: OK (At least he didn’t say ‘yes’)
I do another lap around the room, mainly to cool off. I come back and he’s looking confused.
Fucktard: What do you want me to do?
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?
Fucktard: You say homework.
Me: Yes, THIS is homework (pointing to the top) THIS is for now (pointing at the bottom) do you understand?
Me: Say it back to me, repeat what i just said.
Fucktard: Do the graph now and describe it
Me: OK, lets do it.
After that it went relatively smoothly, at least for the next 15 minutes or so. Then he had another question for me, He wanted to describe a line that was relatively stable (bear in mind i had taught him this 30 minutes ago) but didn’t know how…
Fucktard: How do i describe this line?
Me: What do you think?
Me: well it’s not straight, it’s rrrr…
Fucktard: <Looks at me like i’d just flashed his girlfriend>
Fucktard: <the look has become blank, like i’m speaking to him in tongues, or trying to communicate through the art of macarena>
Me: Relatively stable
Fucktard: Not straight?
Me: No, because if it was straight, it would be a straight line.
Fucktard: Yes, straight
Me: You think that is a straight line?
Me: This line, the line i’m pointing at.
Me: This line, the line with all the wiggly bits, you think that’s straight?
Me: And you’re an engineer? Brilliant. Lets move on….
The day wasn’t over yet, i had a speaking only class with a 17 year old girl. She was very giggly, just like most 17 year old girls are over here. I decided to do a game with her, to say “I went to the shop and i bought….” then something beginning with A. Then she would have to say the same, but say A and B, then i would say A, B and C, etc…. until we got to Z. I told her to be as creative as possible. She was very shy at first, giving basic answers, Then when she got to ‘H’ she said ‘A human lung.’ “Good girl!” I thought. When i got to ‘K’, I said ‘A kerosene covered teddy bear.’
“TEACHER! IT’S HARD!!!”
“That’s what she said!” i replied without missing a beat. She laughed, i don’t think she understood….
When i got to ‘S’ I said, “Sixteen satay sticks.”
“TEACHER!! IT’S LONG!!!!”
“THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!” I shouted as if it was coming out like tourettes. It’s a good job no one was listening into our class. An innocent 17 year old girl saying “TEACHER IT’S HARD!…….TEACHER IT’S LONG!……TEACHER IT’S POINTING DIRECTLY AT ME!…..”
Try explaining that one in court……
The next day was the return of Fucktard, or ‘Yes Man’ if you would like, i prefer Fucktard…. I was going through his thesis, explaining to him that if he wanted to copy from other people, at least change the fonts and sizes so they match. He nodded and said yes but i could have been asking if i could sleep with his hot cousin and he’d have probably reacted the same way…. Eventually, i ask him why he thinks his writing style was so poor, as his writing looked really good. (Mainly because it was someone elses…)
I nearly fainted, he didn’t say yes! although it still wasn’t the correct answer…
Me: No, i’m asking you, who said that your writing needs to improve?
Me: Someone must have told you that your writing needs to improve, in fact yesterday you told me that someone said this to you. Who was it?
Fucktard: Youtube video
Me: Errr….. The youtube video said that your writing needs improving?
Me: The youtube video actually said you, Fucktard, need to improve your writing?
Me: The man in the Youtube video physically pointed at you and said “You, Fucktard, need to improve your writing?” i said while overacting the pointing
Me: What a waste of my life! Lets just carry on…..
That afternoon i had a snakes and ladders game prepared for the students in my group class. One of the girls (the girl i talked about in my last post who may find love in my classroom) landed on the square that said “Ask every student a question about their family.” She went to ask the first question and said “What what what what…..” Stuttering because she was nervous.
I repeated her so everyone could get a laugh. Don’t worry, i let them laugh at my Thai, we all laugh at each other… Then she said, “What What?” Just like the start of the Mackelmore tune.
So i went, “what WHAT? what, WHAT? PAA padada, PAdada PAA, PAA padada PAdada PAA” The students looked at me in a confused way, but i wasn’t done yet; This was my joke. And it wasn’t finished “DOdadado do DO dadodo DOdadado do DO dadado I’m gonna pop some tags, only got…..” The class erupted in laughter. They got the reference, hooray!
That’s it for now. This is going to be a two parter otherwise it will be a mini book. So i’ll post the second part in a couple of days. Until then, SEE YA!!!!!!