Resorting to re-using old pictures again? Slacker!
Yeah i tried to upload the pictures i took last week put for some reason they wouldn’t go onto my computer. In the end i gave up a posted this picture instead with me and The Artist Formerly Known As Thacker (registered trademark) because we did another set of recordings. But i’ll go more into that later. You want to hear about my Monday night out in Chiang Mai (At least i hope you do!) So here we go…..
Jigsaw: Hello Lewis, i wanna play a game……
I wrote some more of my book, i decided to make the cameo role of the uncle more influential which means he’ll probably come back later on in the book. Although i’m not sure exactly when and how yet. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you want to look at it like that.) he made a lot bigger impact than I expected. I also came up with the idea to make him horribly racist to get more people to dislike him. So instead of trying to intimidate random people, i made him do more unprovoked racially motivated attacks. (I know what you are thinking; when am i going to write something about flowers and unicorns instead of something really dark…) and because i generated so much hate, you can’t just give a bit part role to a character like that. So he’ll be back. I’m just not sure when…
I went to tippanet, which is a local restaurant that does massive portions of food for 30 baht (about 60p) and i saw Jen and Julia there, (they used to live in the same building as me) so we had a good old chinwag and i got invited to a house party at theirs on Friday. Yay me!
I met up with David Plane (My friend David from Holland, he posted a picture on Facebook once about being upgraded to 1st class on a flight, so i found it easier to remember his name that way when i’d only known him briefly) and his girlfriend at a restaurant called Chiang Mai Saloon and we had a couple of beverages of the alcoholic variety. There was a drunk guy there shouting various profanities at Thai’s and Western people alike. He tried to engage in conversation with me (I have one of those faces) but i swiftly shut him out like the testa di cazzo that i am….
Come on! Get to the good stuff!
We went to a dodgy area that smelt like cheap perfume and shame. We ended up at this dodgy looking place that had a sign that said ‘No guns allowed’. We laughed at the fact they had to point this out. Our laughs were quickly silenced once we got up the stairs and we heard some loud banging
Once we got in we realised that there was an elegant looking lady lying on her back shooting darts out of her vaginal area at balloons 5 feet in the air, and that was what the loud banging was. Once ‘Elegantgirl’ was done, popping balloons, the first ‘show’ was about to begin…
Elegantgirl put her hands on my waist and gestured to me to go up on stage. “Definitely not!” was my response. I didn’t want to catch herpes ridden objects in my mouth. So some other guy went on stage. Then an OK looking girl started to give him a lap dance. “Shit!” I thought, “I’ve missed out here!” This notion was quickly squashed when she got the handcuffs out and tied his arms behind his back. It wasn’t that bad though, she only got semi-naked (She left a thong on. She did take her underwear off and drape it over my face, to which i entered pure panic mode!) The dance ended when she tried to look sexy by standing on the chair to assumingly rub her nether regions in his face, however she misjudged the distance and proceeded to kick him directly in the balls. Poor fella….
Elegantgirl was back! This time pouring hot wax over herself. As the wax dripped over her tattooed covered body i wondered how anyone would find this sexy. Then again someone people must, otherwise they wouldn’t do it! At the end she got a mop out and cleaned the floor, to which David Plane quipped that she’s the cleaner as well. I laughed, he laughed, his girlfriend laughed, and we all felt a little warm inside.
With Elegantgirl probably cleaning the toilets, it was time for the second dance. An admittedly hot girl started rubbing oil all over her body and started to wiggle her adult areas. I was having a great time until she whacked out her ‘different strokes’ style bush. “SHE SHOULD SHAVE!!” David Plane’s girlfriend said bluntly. True, but it was very funny the way she said it.
Return of the elegant girl. Just a 5 minute cameo to show everyone why she was wife material. She got 2 bottles of coke and opened them with….. well… do i really need to tell you? The faces i pulled were not exactly flattering i’m sure. That’s definitely not something i look for in a lady. Intelligence, yes. good personality, yes. Opening bottles with their vagina, sadly not….
Shower time to the music of “My heart will go on”. None of us will ever look at Titanic the same way again…
We stayed for another 10 minutes of pole dancing before we headed out. It wasn’t as vulgar as i thought it would be but i guess it gets worse as the night progresses. This is still relatively early remember. So we went to the kickboxing stadium that is full of girly bars to play the ‘Spot the ladyboy’ game. We chose a bar that was ladyboy central. These weren’t even ladyboys, they were simply ‘men in dresses’. One ladyboy took a particular liking to me, Sitting next to me and casually placing his/her hand on my knee. I let it be. I think I’ve been here for too long. I thought if he/she starts rubbing my leg or starts moving his/her hands closer to my delicates then i’d obviously have to shoo him/her away. But he/she eventually got the hint and disappeared off into the night.
The bars were closing, so we decided to go to a club called Bubbles. We got there and had a little boogie. I embarrassed myself for a while until we clocked on that there was a pool table. Me and David Plane had a couple of games until a Dutch guy came along and said he was looking for ‘A serious player’. Enter the Lewis. We had a few games (i won some, he won some.) Then i went to the toilet and found a random Frenchman trying to start a conversation. So naturally i used all my 17 words of French i learned at secondary school before inviting him back with our group to play pool. So i acquired a stowaway Frenchman. I felt like a pokemon master.
A wild Frenchman appeared.
Lewis used broken French.
It’s super effective.
Lewis used a pokeball
Congratulations. wild Frenchman was caught, would you like to give a nickname to wild Frenchman?
Why not? Let’s go with ‘Random toilette man’
‘Random toilette man’ joined your group at the pool table…….
And from then onwards we ended up playing pool until closing time, which was around 2:30. The night ended with the Dutch guy i was playing pool with getting his foot run over by an angry tuk-tuk driver who couldn’t find a fare. He was oblivious to it. I bet his foot hurt in the morning though…
Good night then!
Just an average night here if i’m honest, I’ve got a whole bunch of stories like that stored in my back pocket but most of them i can’t share on a public site…
Gotcha. Tell me about Your recordings with Chris.
Chris needed some more recordings, cue more terrible accents and generally having a really fun time. We had a slap up dinner for around 5 pounds for the two of us. It was really good too! After we finished we had a warm brownie and ice cream each to celebrate. Once the recordings come out i’ll let you know. But it was really funny doing them and hearing them back as well.
I’ve got my book cover back, so hopefully this time next week i’ll officially be a published author, don’t don’t count on it, i’m procrastinating way too much…..