There’s a romance developing in my classroom…

Oh God, are you going to have to go to prison?

Not with ME! 2 of my University students seem to have developed feelings for each other. I’m no psychologist by any means but i can feel that they both like each other and shyly talk to each other a lot. The girl is very naturally beautiful and the guy is extremely smart, so it’s a Disney movie waiting to happen! Because of this i make sure that when we have a ‘work in pairs’ exercise i put them two together for as long as possible and listen to them first out of the whole group. This way they have time to talk to each other in Thai when i’m not looking and get to know each other a bit more without the watchful eye of the teacher making the conversation awkward.

Manipulator!

Well i want to do something good in the world. They obviously like each other and if i have to play cupid to casually push them into each others arms i’m happy to do that. Last lesson we were doing ‘Have you…/Can you…’ etc.. questions and the girl asked if he had a girlfriend. He said no and she said “Why?” In an exasperated tone. I wanted to serve them spaghetti and meatballs and then watch him push over the last meatball with his nose…..

I better get an invite to the wedding……

So lessons are going well then, right?

Yep, can’t complain. I did a basic vocabulary game with them that involved the students saying a word that began with the last letter of the previous word. For example; Hat….Table….Egg…..Gigantic…etc…

To make it more interesting (mainly for me) I called the game ‘Super Dooper Vocabulary Game And Ting Because I’m Awesome Like The Miz!’ So i explained the rules and then said like a 90’s game show host, “So let’s play:’Super Dooper Vocabulary Game And Ting Because I’m Awesome Like The Miz!'” Followed by singing a Sonic 1 jingle (Spring Yard Zone just in case you are curious)

Did they understand what was going on?

I didn’t think they would to be fair. But surprisingly in a game that should have lasted 5-10 minutes it lasted 30 minutes because they kept coming up with so many words! There were times when i was racking my brains thinking, “I can’t actually think of anything..” Then from out of nowhere the student whose turn it was would shout out “Reference!” “Reference, good one!” I’d shout back, thinking, “Shit, good job i’m not playing this game!!!”

Brilliant! So the student becomes the master, how very ‘Karate Kid’ of you…. Have you published your book yet?

Nearly, and i use that term not as loosely as you think; I’ve seen a preview of the kindle version and it looks pretty legit. I was grinning like an idiot when i saw it because i couldn’t believe that the file i was looking at was my work. So the file is registered. I just need to triple check it one more time (no matter how many times i check it, there will still be problems. That unfortunately, is life.) before i set a price and then hit publish. I envisage that there will be at least one more major hiccup. But after that i just need to hit the publish button and wait for Amazon to check that i haven’t plagiarized another book and then it will be ready to buy! I can’t believe i’m nearly there. 

So have you had a life during this time?

Kind of. I went to a party at Jen and Julia’s, the two girls that used to live with me. (You may remember Jen as the girl who came up with a cool plot twist in my third book, and i ended up naming a character after her.) And we all got McPissed. I saw loads of people there who i hadn’t seen in ages. Including a guy called Isaac who was in Chiang Mai just for the weekend (He’s moved back to The States) so it was really nice to see him. I stayed there until 3 in the morning and i don’t think i did anything embarrassing, but i’m sure i did and i just don’t remember it. I remember at one point two girls went to hug each other and at the same time they managed to knock my drink down my white shirt. “Great!” I thought, “Any minuscule chance of pulling tonight has abruptly ended with a nice black coke stain down my top.” I soon forgot it existed and carried on talking to random people trying to seem normal. Near the end of the night i even had a little boogie. Good job only a few people saw though, no one wants to see video evidence of that!

We do! Anything else you want to share with us?

Yeah, this:

20140715_221352

I went out for dinner with my bosses again up on a rooftop overlooking the skyline. That blueish building you can see is the newest shopping mall called Maya. The reason it is blue is because it changes colour every so often (Asia doesn’t do things by halves!) and at that point it just happened to be blue.

I’ve also ploughed through another 5000 odd words on my latest book. I wrote 2000 on Sunday alone! I am trying to get it done before i go back to Eng-Er-Land next month. It is a possibility as long as i stop committing myself to crazy hours teaching and i get this first book published as soon as possible. Speaking of which: I’ve set up my own author page on Facebook if you want to have a look. I’m hoping that it will generate interest from people other than my immediate friends. And i’m done! See you next week where i hope to be writing to you as an official published author!

20140720_120324

Here’s a picture of what one of my students got me as a goodbye present. Shame one of them looks suspiciously like….. Actually no, i’m not going to say it, i’ll let you figure it out….

A ping pong show that didn’t involve many ping pong balls……

Resorting to re-using old pictures again? Slacker!

Yeah i tried to upload the pictures i took last week put for some reason they wouldn’t go onto my computer. In the end i gave up a posted this picture instead with me and The Artist Formerly Known As Thacker (registered trademark) because we did another set of recordings. But i’ll go more into that later. You want to hear about my Monday night out in Chiang Mai (At least i hope you do!) So here we go…..

Jigsaw: Hello Lewis, i wanna play a game……

8:00:

I wrote some more of my book, i decided to make the cameo role of the uncle more influential which means he’ll probably come back later on in the book. Although i’m not sure exactly when and how yet. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you want to look at it like that.) he made a lot bigger impact than I expected. I also came up with the idea to make him horribly racist to get more people to dislike him. So instead of trying to intimidate random people, i made him do more unprovoked racially motivated attacks. (I know what you are thinking; when am i going to write something about flowers and unicorns instead of something really dark…) and because i generated so much hate, you can’t just give a bit part role to a character like that. So he’ll be back. I’m just not sure when…

9:00:

I went to tippanet, which is a local restaurant that does massive portions of food for 30 baht (about 60p) and i saw Jen and Julia there, (they used to live in the same building as me) so we had a good old chinwag and i got invited to a house party at theirs on Friday. Yay me!

9:30:

I met up with David Plane (My friend David from Holland, he posted a picture on Facebook once about being upgraded to 1st class on a flight, so i found it easier to remember his name that way when i’d only known him briefly) and his girlfriend at a restaurant called Chiang Mai Saloon and we had a couple of beverages of the alcoholic variety. There was a drunk guy there shouting various profanities at Thai’s and Western people alike. He tried to engage in conversation with me (I have one of those faces) but i swiftly shut him out like the testa di cazzo that i am….

Come on! Get to the good stuff!

10:00:

We went to a dodgy area that smelt like cheap perfume and shame. We ended up at this dodgy looking place that had a sign that said ‘No guns allowed’. We laughed at the fact they had to point this out. Our laughs were quickly silenced once we got up the stairs and we heard some loud banging

10:05:

Once we got in we realised that there was an elegant looking lady lying on her back shooting darts out of her vaginal area at balloons 5 feet in the air, and that was what the loud banging was. Once ‘Elegantgirl’ was done, popping balloons, the first ‘show’ was about to begin…

10:15:

Elegantgirl put her hands on my waist and gestured to me to go up on stage. “Definitely not!” was my response. I didn’t want to catch herpes ridden objects in my mouth. So some other guy went on stage. Then an OK looking girl started to give him a lap dance. “Shit!” I thought, “I’ve missed out here!” This notion was quickly squashed when she got the handcuffs out and tied his arms behind his back. It wasn’t that bad though, she only got semi-naked (She left a thong on. She did take her underwear off and drape it over my face, to which i entered pure panic mode!) The dance ended when she tried to look sexy by standing on the chair to assumingly rub her nether regions in his face, however she misjudged the distance and proceeded to kick him directly in the balls. Poor fella….

10:30:

Elegantgirl was back! This time pouring hot wax over herself. As the wax dripped over her tattooed covered body i wondered how anyone would find this sexy. Then again someone people must, otherwise they wouldn’t do it! At the end she got a mop out and cleaned the floor, to which David Plane quipped that she’s the cleaner as well. I laughed, he laughed, his girlfriend laughed, and we all felt a little warm inside.

10:40:

With Elegantgirl probably cleaning the toilets, it was time for the second dance. An admittedly hot girl started rubbing oil all over her body and started to wiggle her adult areas. I was having a great time until she whacked out her ‘different strokes’ style bush. “SHE SHOULD SHAVE!!” David Plane’s girlfriend said bluntly. True, but it was very funny the way she said it.

10:50:

Return of the elegant girl. Just a 5 minute cameo to show everyone why she was wife material. She got 2 bottles of coke and opened them with….. well… do i really need to tell you? The faces i pulled were not exactly flattering i’m sure. That’s definitely not something i look for in a lady. Intelligence, yes. good personality, yes. Opening bottles with their vagina, sadly not….

10:55:

Shower time to the music of “My heart will go on”. None of us will ever look at Titanic the same way again…

11:00:

We stayed for another 10 minutes of pole dancing before we headed out. It wasn’t as vulgar as i thought it would be but i guess it gets worse as the night progresses. This is still relatively early remember. So we went to the kickboxing stadium that is full of girly bars to play the ‘Spot the ladyboy’ game. We chose a bar that was ladyboy central. These weren’t even ladyboys, they were simply ‘men in dresses’. One ladyboy took a particular liking to me, Sitting next to me and casually placing his/her hand on my knee. I let it be. I think I’ve been here for too long. I thought if he/she starts rubbing my leg or starts moving his/her hands closer to my delicates then i’d obviously have to shoo him/her away. But he/she eventually got the hint and disappeared off into the night.

12:00:

The bars were closing, so we decided to go to a club called Bubbles. We got there and had a little boogie. I embarrassed myself for a while until we clocked on that there was a pool table. Me and David Plane had a couple of games until a Dutch guy came along and said he was looking for ‘A serious player’. Enter the Lewis. We had a few games (i won some, he won some.) Then i went to the toilet and found a random Frenchman trying to start a conversation. So naturally i used all my 17 words of French i learned at secondary school before inviting him back with our group to play pool. So i acquired a stowaway Frenchman. I felt like a pokemon master.

A wild Frenchman appeared.

Lewis used broken French.

It’s super effective.

Lewis used a pokeball

Congratulations. wild Frenchman was caught, would you like to give a nickname to wild Frenchman?

Why not? Let’s go with ‘Random toilette man’

‘Random toilette man’ joined your group at the pool table…….

And from then onwards we ended up playing pool until closing time, which was around 2:30. The night ended with the Dutch guy i was playing pool with getting his foot run over by an angry tuk-tuk driver who couldn’t find a fare. He was oblivious to it. I bet his foot hurt in the morning though…

Good night then!

Just an average night here if i’m honest, I’ve got a whole bunch of stories like that stored in my back pocket but most of them i can’t share on a public site…

Gotcha. Tell me about Your recordings with Chris.

Chris needed some more recordings, cue more terrible accents and generally having a really fun time. We had a slap up dinner for around 5 pounds for the two of us. It was really good too! After we finished we had a warm brownie and ice cream each to celebrate. Once the recordings come out i’ll let you know. But it was really funny doing them and hearing them back as well. 

I’ve got my book cover back, so hopefully this time next week i’ll officially be a published author, don’t don’t count on  it, i’m procrastinating way too much…..

Me and the artist formerly known as Thacker

Sheldon brushes up well!!!

20140710_192817

Nice suit!

Cheers! My mate is getting married in August so i’m going back to England and i thought it was the perfect excuse to get a suit. I need a belt because as you can see the trousers fall down a little bit if i don’t. But i was very happy with the end product. I was unsure at first because i have heard some real horror stories, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about so i trusted him to make something that would suit me (i’m colourblind, so i have zero style or colour co-ordination skills) and i’m glad i did.

I looked in the mirror and i couldn’t stop smiling. I even said to the guy, “I’m the son of a milkman, what the hell am i doing wearing a custom made suit?” He laughed, i’m sure he hears similar comments every day though…

Fair play to you…. What’s happening in the classroom?

We’ve got a load of Chinese students in. All the other teachers look really stressed and beaten down with them but i’m finding them a breeze! A mate of mine told me that Chinese students are great to teach and he was right! You have to be confident and assertive with them of course! But as long as you take charge and they know who the boss is so to speak, they are fantastic to teach.

I also saw my old Omani students from last year. 4 really nice girls who are about 7. Their English was terrible but they were obviously trying. I thought they had gone back to Oman and i’d never see them again but they are back again this year. I’m not teaching them but when i saw then at the school i invaded the lesson to say hello and did some colouring with them for 10 minutes.

Lovely…What a nice story…..No dipshit! I meant funny stories!

I’m teaching a basic English class and i do a lot of games with them. 1 game involved smply 1 student chucking a ball to another asking a basic question or a short answer question (Do you like Harry Potter? Yes i do. etc…..) and they lost a life if they said the question or answer wrong. One of my female students who i’m going to call ‘Big is sexy’ nodded in my direction and said to another student and said…..

 

Big is sexy: Shall i give him a b……

With my not so innocent mind I looked up in pure panic. ” ‘Yes’ is definitely the answer to that question” I thought to myself, but it’s hardly appropriate.

Big is sexy:….A book. 

She continued after stuttering. Relief, and a admittedly a small amount of disappointment broke out over my face.

“Oh my god!” I said softly covering my face in pure shock. “Please don’t ever say anything like that again.” I gasped at her. 

She didn’t understand. This is a girl who has worn a shirt to class simply saying “Bitch, please!!!” On it. A couple of weeks ago she wore one saying “Don’t call me a cowgirl until you’ve seen me ride” So i’m guessing she isn’t aware of the faux pas’ she is making. Or maybe she is, maybe she is a bit of a naughty girl? Who knows? I mind end up actually getting that b……..

Oh deary me….. You published that damn book yet?

Nope. Yet another snag; I went to put my book cover on and apparently it was 50 odd pixels too small. So i sent it back to my sister and i’m waiting on that. (again, i’m not paying for it, so i have no right to complain…) I’ve done my biography and my friends have told me how to tweak it so it looks legit, and the copyright notice is all but done. I just want it out there now. However i am a huge believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ so i wasn’t meant to release it yet. And when i do it will be the right time. So i’m not concerned. Yet anxious to see how it is received would be a better way to describe my feelings…

Another excuse… What about your writing?

The 4th book is starting to take shape. I’ve introduced another character. More of a cameo role by the main character’s uncle. He’s a nutter! Beats people up for no reason and generally gets a buzz out of intimidating people. I wanted to bring him back to normal before i start making him depressed. I’ve already had an unstable psychopath in my last book so i wanted to bring him back to reality, and i felt the only way i could do that is to either have a friend or a family member who is MUCH worse and he sees what he could potentially become, scaring him straight.

All done?

More or less. I’m watching Breaking Bad again, plus i’m taking San Marino to the top of the world with a minimal budget in my spare time. Actually no! I’ve got one more story; French girl is back! So we went out for dinner to catch up. I said to her that we were going to go to a western place because she had been isolated outside of the city for a while so she hadn’t eaten western food for a long time. After cycling for a while we came across an Italian restaurant offering 3 for 2 on glasses of wine (She’s French, so she knows and enjoys good wine) so we went there. To our surprise it was a real upper class ristorante, complete with fancy napkins. I felt like i was about to propose to her, not just go out to dinner as friends. Faith was restored though when she saw a rat run through the restaurant. This may be shocking for anyone who lives in America, England, etc… but anyone who has been to India or South East Asia will just say “Meh…” When they hear that… At least the wine was good!!! Now i’m done, see you next week!

Chris Wars, Episode 2: The Artist Formerly Known As Thacker strikes back

Me and the artist formerly known as Thacker

 

Errrr…… What is….What is that?

Chris is getting his recordings ready for his book and for some reason he thought it would be a good idea to include me in this. I reluctantly accepted and prepared to do many different accents on his CD; Brummie, Italian, Cockney, Southerner, Scouser, Southern American, Russian, Borat, and even Cleveland… You name it, i attempted it….

How did it go?

Well…turns out i’m not as good at accents as i thought i was. Average at best would be putting it politely…. Either way i wanted it to be kept in because i thought it would be even better to have bad accent attempts than good ones. We had a great time doing it though and that’s the most important thing. I kept saying to him if he wanted recordings to be done again to tell me but he insisted that they were OK. So i guess he was happy with what he ended up with.

So, that means Chris is progressing on his quest for stardom in the land of Thai..

Yep, He’s on 14,000+ likes on his Facebook page now. He deserves it. So i was glad to help in any way i could to propel him there a little bit quicker (or hinder his chances judging by my recordings!) and i hope he continues to succeed.

Kiss arse! What else has happened in your life?

I went for a mookrata with a little lady called Rosie and her friend Jess. I met Rosie when i worked as a barman 4 years ago (see the picture of me wearing the big Guinness hat on my ‘about’ page)

Mookrata?

Yeah, it’s like a Thai style buffet. Some people call it a Korean buffet but I’ve had buffet style dinners at Korean people’s houses before and it isn’t anything like the Thai style. Rosie sent me a message saying she was going to be in Chiang Mai for a few days and i thought i could either take her to the tourist area and get drunk just like everybody does, or i could show her a real snippet of Asian culture. More specifically, Thai culture.

Got any pics? 

Unfortunately no. I’m not one for taking pictures and she’s too busy travelling to upload any pictures. When she does i’ll steal it and put it on a random post to confuse everyone.

Did they enjoy it?

Yeah they had a great time. It was nice to catch up as well. Now she’s in Vietnam, going to places that i haven’t even been yet! I’ve got all that to look forward to in a few years though.

Publishing. Give me info!!!

I hit a snag; I believe everything happens for a reason no matter what it is. Yesterday i stumbled upon a blog that started talking about stupid mistakes that first time authors make, and one of the things was that you have to pay royalty fees for quoting lyrics in a book. In mine when the main character meets (one of his) love interest(s), he turns to her friend and sings, “BEAT IT!” trying to be funny and failing miserably, so i contemplated changing that part and possibly upsetting the whole balance of the book to avoid paying a mahoosive royalty fee.

Did you?

No. Luckily i found another blog by a nice lady called Anne R Allen who went into a lot of detail about it. I contacted her to ask about my specific situation and she told me not to worry, because as long as i was only saying the title, it was OK because a title can’t be copyrighted. So that was a huge relief. Yet another panic over in a world where i’m clearly uneducated about and out of my comfort zone. But hopefully nothing but positives from here on out…

Is that it then?

Yep, that’s all, except for one thing; i got a suit tailor made last Sunday. I felt very rich trying it on. Also because i’m tall and skinny most clothes look baggy or unnatural on me. So it was nice to see what i looked like with fitted to measure clothes on. At the risk of sounding arrogant I looked pretty damn sexy actually! And that’s it. C ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

See? I kept my word…..

Indeed you did. So, whats crackalacking?

A lot has been crackalacking if i’m honest with you. I’ve been teaching and writing a lot, but I’ve mainly been watching Breaking Bad and winning the Serie C2A title with San Marino on Football Manager waiting for my internet to turn back on so i can pick up where i left off.

OK, a lot of words that actually mean nothing without actions… How’s the teaching? Any idiots you can update me on?

Actually no, all my students in the last few weeks have been pretty smart. You can always tell whether a student is smart and just hasn’t been exposed to English or whether they are – to put it politely – a fucking idiot. But even my lower level classes are obviously smart. Sometimes i ask them stupid questions expecting them to stare at me blankly and they answer them immediately, and look at me as if to say “Why are you asking me that? Do you think i’m stupid or something?” and i think “Great, you have a brain. Let’s do this schizzle!”

So you don’t have any funny stories then?

Not about what the students have said. There was one time (American Pie reference for anyone over the age of 25..) when i was trying to explain how to end a speech when they have to talk uninterrupted for 2 minutes because learning grammar rules for 20 years doesn’t prepare you how to end a speech. Normally they look at me as if to say “……DA NAAH!!!!” So i went to tell them they had to recommend it (i.e. If the speech is about their favourite restaurant; “…And if you haven’t been there before i would recommend trying the seafood risotto, it’s superb” Or something along those lines) but instead i decided to play hangman with them and wrote

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _    _ _    _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ !

On the board. They looked really confused, even when they got this far:

R E C O _ _ E N D    I T    _ O T _ E R F U _ _ E R !

Until eventually one of the more upper class students muttered quietly but loud enough for me to hear; “Recommend, motherfucker!” 

I laughed, the students laughed, and i think we all evolved that little bit more as human beings. So well done us!

There was also an IELTS lesson where i had written a word on the board and asked the students if they knew what that word meant. Whilst waiting for them to answer i drew a stick man on the board leaning it a 45 degree angle. Then i jumped up and shouted “RKO!!!!!” While pretending to give the stick man an RKO. The students had no idea what the reference was, but i enjoying it so it was worth it. Sometimes i do the Daniel Bryan “YES!!!” and “NO!!!” chants randomly in the class mainly for my own amusement….

That means teaching’s treating you well if you are enjoying it. How’s the book coming along? The….comedy story is it?

That’s the one. I recently wrote out the whole plot as to how it is going to go. The beginning, middle and end. Normally i let the story run away with itself and almost let the book write itself in a way. But i started planning for the next few scenes and all these ideas kept popping into my head. After 15 minutes i had 2 A4 pages full of information saying where i’m taking the story, plot twists, etc… Like i said before i’m around 20 thousand words in. So it’s going well. The protagonist has taken a surprising turn though, (even for me, because i had no intention of making him that way) He’s become a bit of a scary nutter who isn’t afraid to kick the shit out of someone. I wanted to make him emotionally weak to connect with this alcohol issues but the story has led me this way and it seems right, so i’m just going to keep writing….

God, you just won’t shut the fuck up will you? Are you done?

Pretty much. Tomorrow i’ll tell you what I’ve been up to outside of work and writing. bye zee bye!

Sorry i’m late, I’ve got a whole bunch of excuses ready…..

This better be good…..

I lost my internet connection for nearly two weeks so I’ve been sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting on it. Not last Saturday, the Saturday before was going to be the day. The day that i was going to focus all my energy on getting this book published because i had the whole day off. So i set off to buy a wireless adapter so i could at least connect to the wireless. I bought one but it didn’t work, so then i cycled 20-30 minutes back to the shop to replace it only to find out that that feather plucker didn’t work either! Bad luck and very frustrating!

Keep talking…

I went back a couple of days later and they tested it. And it only bloody worked! Which meant there was something wrong with my computer. The landlord was running up and down the stairs everyday trying to fix it (I’m on the top floor) Until he found out that my driver needed uninstalling and re-installing again. He told me what was wrong and what needed to be done but anything to do with computers goes straight over my head no matter how intently i listen, i was just nodding and smiling pretending that i knew what he was on about… Long story short i’m back! And I’ve realised how much i rely on the internet. I felt like i was getting heroin withdrawals or something….

So i’m guessing the book’s not published yet?

No, not yet. It’s on my list of ever-growing things to do though, and i am determined to get it sorted as soon as possible (or depending on how much mental strength i have at the end of every day..) All the edits are done. I just need to piece the puzzles together, stop being such a pussy and get it on amazon before someone else puts a similar story on there….

OK. Does that mean you have given up on writing your 4th book as well?

No not at all! I still have Microsoft Word so i can still write. I’m up to nearly 20,000 words now and i don’t think i’m anywhere near half way through it, so this book is most likely going to be a lot longer than the others. But i’ll talk about that more tomorrow….

Tomorrow? What the….flick?

Yep, tomorrow. I missed out on publishing a post last week so i’m going to publish one every day for the next couple of days about what’s happened in my McLife. See you when i see you…