Oh Forestieri. Oh Forestieri…… (Sing it to the tune of ‘The White Stripes’)


What. The. Actual. F**k?

One of my students keeps winding me up that i’m colourblind, saying that i’m wearing a purple tie or a green shirt. She sent me an e-mail last Friday saying that she expected to see me that evening wearing yellow.

Challenge accepted…

Obviously i don’t own any yellow shirts or ties, so i thought wearing my Watford shirt would be the next best thing. I made sure i technically abided by the rules and wore a shirt and tie so i couldn’t get fired.

Did you teach like that for the whole lesson?

Yep, 2 hours, didn’t bother me. i like dressing up in funny things (see my blurbs page for a random picture of me dressed as Ali G) I think my student found it more difficult to concentrate though!

Random Mr Bean pose…..


Give us another dialogue, make it a short one this time.

Me: OK so on the board is different ways to expand on the question ‘What is your name?’, so you can talk about what your name means, if you like your name, yadda yadda yadda….. So lets start with you <gesturing at the kid who wants to take a masters degree in England>:- What is your name?

Fuckknowsistan: In Thai?

Me: Why would you say it in Thai?

Fuckknowsistan: Oh….

Me: <confused looks, trying to remain professional>

Fuckknowsistan: <silence, literally staring at me as if he thinks he has completed the task and is expecting me to give him a plaque>

Me: OK, so what IS your name?

Fuckknowsistan: ………You want me to answer?

Me: Yes please, that’s why i’m looking at you and asking you what your name is…

Fuckknowsistan: My name is….. <4 second pause, no exaggeration>

Me: Do you know your name?

Fuckknowsistan: Fuckknowsistan.

Me: Brilliant! lets move on….

I think you are being a bit too hard on Fuckknowsistan. He probably didn’t understand the question

In most situations i would completely agree with you, but this is an advanced class where they are taking an international test, normally in a few weeks. In one part of this test they have to talk uninterrupted about an obscure subject for 2 minutes. Another part of the test involves a complex reading passage and answering questions where even most native speakers would find it difficult. This guy, in the politest possible way, is fucked. It just amazes me how unprepared some of these students are coming into these exams. In a way it may be a blessing in disguise as they are oblivious as to how hard the test actually is and therefore not nervous. They may even sneak a couple of marks here and there by luck. There’s a French girl i’m teaching at the moment who is much more advanced but she is nervous about the test because she is concentrating on what kind of traps they may lay instead of having belief in her ability and doing the best she can. Point being i can have a proper conversation with her. She’s ready. Some of these students can barely string a sentence together, sign up for a 30 hour course and say “OK, i need to speak English in 2 weeks, lets go!”

Oh oui, you’re teaching a French girl. Hows that going?

Good, very good in fact. She keeps bringing in chocolate for me to eat so shes definitely a winner in my book! I’ve also introduced her to ‘that’s what she said’. We were doing an exam and she said “Argh! this is so long…” and without thinking “that’s what she said!” slipped out of my mouth. I then had to explain what it meant but luckily she found it hilarious. As she was getting on her bike to leave she said “I can’t believe how wet it is…” Yep! just like tourettes, I ‘That’s what she said’ed that shit! I’ve also noticed that I’ve been a lot luckier in terms of how nice people are being towards me. For example on Sunday my next door neighbours were having a moo grata (like an Asian barbeque) i always leave my door open because were on the top floor and i’m the furthest room over so no one walks past. This means i can keep my room nice and cool. Anyway, after they finished the bloke came over with a plate of food and offered it to me. It was so nice!!!!

What’s a moo grata again?

Its basically like a barbeque but you all sit around it and eat with chopsticks. Theres also an area at the side where you can make a brothy soup with whatever you want in it. There’s a picture of me and a Spanish friend of mine at a moo grata on my about page.

Book me! Book me at once!!!!!!

So where were we? i think she had broke up with Will and come close to snapping. She went to Bangkok and had a few crazy nights there before moving on to Chiang Mai. She gets nice and cosy with this bar girl until another girl starts talking shit to her in the bar. She then proceeds to kick the bejeebus out of her shouting that she’s gonna kill her if she tries anything else, obviously scaring everyone in the bar. Her little lady friend freaks out and says they need to disappear for a while and go up to Chiang Rai, where the bar girl is from. Chris falls in love with Chiang Rai and almost immediately buys a house there. A few weeks later cracks are starting to show in the relationship between Chris and his bar girl. They fight and make up, then Chris decides that they should go on a holiday for a couple of days to get away from everything, and that’s about as far as I’ve got at the moment.

You done? i need to get back to playing solitaire, you know i have a 64% win rate…..

Almost. I’ve put a few more pages on here. Now I’ve got book extracts as well. I’m hoping that this generates more interest in my books especially as i’m planning to publish the first one at the end of next month. Oh yeah i forgot to tell you i’m planning to publish the first one at the end of next month…. Barring any complications of course! I have a few friends who are writers and they are helping me out A LOT on how to get published. I swear i would be lost without them! i’m incredibly nervous about publishing it because i’m worried that it either won’t sell or people won’t enjoy it. But i’m sure most authors think the same thing. That nervous energy won’t ever go away, i just have to bite the bullet and do it, i’ll never know if i don’t do it, right?

P.S.      Heres the link to my new ‘Book Extracts’ page if you want to see it.


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