It’s like I waited my whole life…For this 1 night…It’s gonna be me, you and MASAKO!!!!!!

So…..Hows life?

Surviving. Did a bit of teaching, a bit of writing and a bit of lounging around on Facebook. You know, the usual….

Oh yeah? Do you have any teaching stories for me? That’s the only reason i really come on here anyway…..

I got a few. I’ve been teaching IELTS (an international English exam) to a girl that can only be described as ‘The Asian Lauren Whale’. It seems that most people look the same in some way shape or form. I have found countless Asian counterparts to people i know back home. It’s weird but at the same time it’s like an inside joke. So point being you probably have a Thai counterpart in Thailand somewhere (or if you are Thai and reading this, you probably have an American or an English clone of you somewhere…)

…No one’s gonna say it? No one? Fine i’ll say it; Who’s Lauren Whale?

She’s a friend of mine back home. I met her when she worked at my mum’s pub as a barmaid/waitress. Really nice girl. But she is very confident and outgoing whereas ‘The Asian Lauren Whale’ (registered trademark) is very shy. So they are not complete doppelgangers…

So why are you….. Wait… Oh no you’re gonna do one of those bloody long-ass dialogues again aren’t you?

<Giggles…>

Me: ….So step 2 on the ‘tips for the speaking exam’ is to talk about what you know. Keep bringing the conversation back to subjects you are comfortable with. For example, what are you studying?

The Asian Lauren Whale: English

Me: Sorry, i don’t mean right now, i mean at University?

The Asian Lauren Whale: I have been studying for 2 years

Me: No, The question was what do you study at university?

The Asian Lauren Whale: Business

Me: OK. So talk about business terms because you will know those phrases in English. How about this; What do you want to be?

The Asian Lauren Whale: <thinks>…. Manager

Me: A manager of what?

The Asian Lauren Whale: Huh?

Me: Manage what?

The Asian Lauren Whale: I don’t know

Me: You want to be a manager but you don’t know what you want to manage?

The Asian Lauren Whale: No

Me: It’s a good job you’re pretty……..

Oh deary me…. Anything else?

Yes unfortunately; I had a brutal lesson with MASAKO! On Saturday. I had to teach her the difference between present simple and present continuous (I go to the gym, I am going to the gym) and it normally takes about 10 minutes maximum. That day it took 2 hours.

2 HOURS?!?!?!?!

Yep, in the end i was speaking to her in broken English one or two words at a time. I started off saying present simple was forever and present continuous was temporary whilst giving examples but all i got was a lifeless look straight back at me. I might have well been teaching the dog! So i broke it down with things like, “Forever…no stop…… temporary….yes stop…. forever… go go go go… never stop.. always… temporary…. like this month, until September…yes stop…. stop one day… this finish….forever, or permanent….no finish…you do…and keep doing..” I then run out of ideas what to say so i started humming ‘Forever’ by Chris Brown. I knew that wasn’t gonna fly with a 76 year old Japanese lady, but hey, i was desperate! In the end there was an exercise to do and i drew a line in the middle of all the options and said “OK all the present simple options are on the left, i go, i see, i work, etc… and all the continuous ones are on the right i am watching, you are running etc…. all you have to do is match the words and if its on this side you write simple, on the other side you write continuous. So this….simple….this…continuous..OK?”

“MOTSUKASHI!!!!!” she replied (oh i forgot to mention, she talks to me in Japanese. If she starts freestyling at me i just wait for her to stop and just say “Yes, thats exactly what it means” in a defeated tone…..)

Errrr……. Not really sure how to respond to this….

Neither am i, don’t worry about it. Anyway: My book is slowly creeping towards the end. She met one of the locals from the pub who is only 19 and taking a gap year from university and he convinces her to go to Asia with him. At the moment they have just arrived in Malaysia and… that’s it really nothing special.

So you are slacking on the book, right?

Yes and no. I always think I could do more. There has been more filler I’ve had to put in. The thing with being like a diary is you can slot ideas in that gives the characters or the storyline more dynamic. Doesn’t really help with the speed of the book but things are being written. I had a few more people read my first book. They told me to just publish it. Get it out there and go from there. I don’t know ANYTHING about the marketing side but i suppose no one does when they start out. It’s all about trial and error. So after i finish this one i’m gonna focus on getting the first book on Amazon etc… as an E-book and hopefully get it published in a few months. Who’d have thought it? Someone like me nearly ready to publish a book? It feels weird as i type it but it’s nearly a reality…

What book is that again?

It’s the one about a famous actor who can’t cope with the fame and spirals into depression with lots of drugs involved. This is the blurb of it if you are interested. I’m not gonna lie i’m really excited about getting this ready for publishing!

Don’t worry, that big head will start to deflate once your book bombs…. So is that it?

Pretty much. I went out with some friends of mine to a Mexican restaurant called Miguel’s and it was the schizzle! Their names are Clayton (I think i’ve mentioned him before) and Jessica and they have their own travel blog too! Also if you have any questions you like to ask me or even if you are angry and bitter at life and just want to send random abuse, please feel free to do either in the comments section. Also if you like this blog please share it on Facebook, Twitter or any way you can so more people can see it. That’s it i’m afraid. SEE YA!!!!!!!!!!

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